Dear Head Pro,
My bf (27) and I(23) have been together for almost 2 years now. We have a 6-month old together, bought our own house, all that stuff. Our relationship has had its ups and downs (mostly, during winter I get seasonal depression and I've cheated on him…he's forgiven me, and then I [ruined] that trust again a year later by talking to those people again because I was lonely/winter depression, etc…however, I tend to go back to them because I don't feel like I'm getting enough affection/attention/intimacy, that kind of stuff) but we've gotten through them.
At the beginning of our relationship things were amazing! We did a bunch of cool stuff, laughed a lot, lots of spontaneous, passionate sex, and we were all cuddly and all the good stuff. The problem is, now, he doesn't ever really seem to want to have sex… We've talked about it, he says he wants to and that he gets aroused and stuff sometimes, but he never really thinks about it? I don't understand how those two statements work. And if we were to have sex (we haven't had sex in 2 weeks so far..) it would be saturday night because that's when the baby is gone. It's never spontaneous. It's never passionate. Or even intimate…it feels like more of a “get 'er done” sort of thing. We don't even really bother doing anything different either, it's the same thing every time. I could honestly give a play by play of what will happen next time. We've talked about this and he says he's sorry and that he'll try harder and it happens in every relationship with him because he gets 'comfortable' but nothing has changed, in fact, we're having sex even less.
I've tried talking about it and expressing my needs, how I miss the spontaneity and the passion and intimacy, but he just doesn't seem to get it, he never really tried anything. And I'm too scared to try anything because it either goes over his head and I feel foolish, or he'll reject it with some stupid reason like he's tired or he just ate…I feel like he doesn't find me attractive anymore, or I ruined it because of the crap I pulled before even though he said he's forgiven me…I feel like it's all my fault that he doesn't want me anymore, or maybe he doesn't love me and is just with me because of our kid…I don't know what to do anymore, every relationship I've been with ends up like this, where we just stop having sex and I always want it but the guy never does…and my bf isn't into the polyamorous kind of relationship either so I can't get my sexual needs fulfilled anywhere else…
Hurt and confused
Dear Hurt and Confused,
Wowzers. First of all, you need to quit blaming your cheating bullshit on your seasonal depression. No one likes winter, but if you’re actually experiencing clinical, diagnosable depression there are professionals who can help with that, and usually not with their penises. And yes, getting cheated on once (and nearly twice!) is a big part of why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. It’s emasculating as hell, especially knowing that he apparently isn’t enough for you. I guess it’s good (for the sake of clarity) that you were honest about the reason, but unfortunately for guys that’s probably the worst reason to hear.
Also, consider that when there’s a baby in the picture, men’s testosterone levels drop, as high levels of testosterone aren’t conducive to being a reliable, loving caregiver (yayyy evolution). That makes him a) less likely to want sex in the first place and b) less prone to hulking out and airing out the shit that’s bothering him. Also, I’m assuming he wants to keep it together for the sake of the family and all. So combine a lowered drive, a reluctance to address pent-up trust issues and a nagging desire to keep things copasetic, and yeah, welcome to a sexless relationship.
While successful couples do make an effort to keep their sex life engaging, you have to recognize that there WILL be a certain decline in “spontaneity” as time marches on. That’s the tradeoff you have to make for comfort and stability, and it’s actually a good trade to make, provided you handle it well. I cannot in good conscience advise you to split when there’s a baby involved, but something has to give. If you really, truly believe that your depression is the root of your fidelity issues, then getting professional help should do a lot to restore your boyfriend’s trust. Otherwise, you need to maybe try getting HIM talking about his issues as a way of opening a more honest dialogue. Remember, though, when this happens in “every relationship you’ve had,” the problem likely lies with you.
I don’t like to screw after I eat either,
Dear Head Pro,
So I've had this fuck buddy for a couple months now. Generally, things are going fine, we hook up a couple times a week, and I know I'm not the only one he's been getting with (which I'm totally fine with because I have been too). My problem is that every time we have sex, he finishes so fast, like within five minutes. I realize that's common for guys that aren't experienced, or if it's been a while, but this kid has sex on the regular, shouldn't he be lasting longer? It's gotten to the point where I feel like he could last longer if he tried, but he just doesn't care enough and is only worried about getting his satisfaction and not mine. I've asked him to go another round before but he always just says he's too tired. Am I over thinking this whole thing, or is he really being a selfish asshole and only worrying about himself?
Not Getting Enough
Dear Not Getting Enough,
I covered this a few weeks ago, but to rehash – experience has essentially nothing to do with longevity. Frequency, and experience with a particular person however, do. You don’t actually know how often/how many girls he’s “getting with,” and you don’t know what they’re doing when he does. I doubt (maybe optimistically) that he’s really so focused on his own satisfaction that he pounds away on you as though you were dead. I think he just hasn’t had enough opportunity to figure out the rhythm of your trysts.
If you want better sex with a given individual, you have to have it often. The longer you’re with someone, the better you get to know not only their body, but your body in relation to theirs. That’s why couples (except maybe the two up there, which, sheesh) are almost always going to have consistently better sex, even if things have slowed down in that department.
If you prefer to have sex with a rotation of multiple partners, that’s your prerogative, but keep in mind that it’s going to take a lot longer to get into a groove with any of them, and it may never be exactly “mind blowing.” Otherwise, if good sex is more important to you than variety (and it probably should be), you’re going to have to make some cuts from the brotation roster and figure out where your real interests lie.