68. The iPhone Switch

Soooooo, we fucked up. We understand that our readers take each post quite seriously, so we’d like to apologize for post #34, BBM. We’re saying sorry not because we offended anyone, we sort of hope we did, but because a betch’s choice of cell phone should not be limited to the Blackberry. Fuck all of the things we said BBM is good for, the Blackberry is a piece of shit. BBM was great in theory but it’s annoying to screen messages on a phone as useful as the J that was Casey Anthony’s prosecution (J means joke, for our geriatric readers).

Hence the great betch migration to Steve Jobs’ promised land. All hail the iPhone.

Let’s face it, BBM is a prison and our obsession with it was like a case of fucking Stockholm Syndrome. But finally, graduation cometh and suddenly having a Blackberry was like tweeting #winning two weeks after Charlie Sheen’s rants. You don’t even realize how nice it is to lose the feeling of obligation to answer people until you no longer have BBM. It almost makes you want to answer them more.

We all knew this switch was going to happen sooner or later because Apple products have always been superior to anything else in their industry. Like who doesn’t feel uncomfortable when you’re forced to use a PC or find out a close friend actually has one? Makes you reassess your entire friendship. PCs are for poor people and the government.

Apple reflects everything that a betch aims to represent. It’s sleek, chic, and ahead of its time. The products make life easier, aiding betches in never doing work, and are therefore amazing. Companies try to sell PCs by lowering the price, but Apple makes shit expensive. Betches respond well to elitist marketing strategies.

Anyways, we’re die hard for the iPhone now. A betch can rule the world from her iPhone. Shit syncs from your phone to your iTunes to your iCal to your fucking heart monitor. The only thing it’s missing is a wine opener app.

Also Hanging with Friends and Angry Birds make Brick Breaker look like it was designed by a caveman. Yayyy for Apple coming in and devising new ways for us to tune out those around us!

The iPhone also provides a new way for betches to express themselves. White or black? White for the girly girl, black for the power betch. Likewise, your choice of iPhone case makes a huge statement. Because everyone’s so fucking unique with their mass produced piece of plastic.

The iPhone has also created a revolution in Mobile Uploads. You and your friends go out clubbing decked out wearing upwards of $2000 on your person, but open your Camera+ app, slap on a cross-process effect and a Polaroid border and suddenly everyone’s a fucking hipster.

[Extra perk of Camera Plus: you can now crop the dud out from the side of group pics without ever using iPhoto! She’s out of your pics even before she’s rejected by the bouncer.]

Finally, we have the invention of Instagram. For those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s about to be the next big thing, so you better get on the Instagram train and fast. It’s an app but it’s basically the love child of muploading and Twitter and it’s the new way to show off all the betchy shit that you and your besties are up to. No betch passes up an opportunity to get more followers, especially not us. @betches.
So betches, go get yourself an iPhone. If you still don’t appreciate the wonder that is Apple, we pity you and hope you find someone who can autocorrect your dumb ass.

Images: Arnel Hasanovic / Unsplash