Introducing Healthy Betch: A Chocolate Pill Will Give You Heart Health Without the Fat Ass

For many betches, being “healthy” means only bumming cigs when you’re blackout and choosing zero calorie soda instead of tonic. But since being actually healthy is, like, kinda in right now, we bring you Healthy Betch: a collection of all the recent health related shit you need to know. We hope reading this makes you feel as health concious as those kale chips you pretend to like.

Selfies might give you lice… and make you hate yourself

You have an entirely new reason to regret that drunken St. Patrick’s day selfie (besides the fact that it made you look TERRIBLE). Cases of lice may be on the rise because of people squishing their heads together for pictures. Umm…Gross. What is this, 2nd grade? Send your besties to the nurse’s office and get them checked out ASAP. Read article >>

Turns out selfies aren’t all bad though; they’re also boosting the plastic surgery industry. A study found that 1 in 3 plastic surgeons saw an increase in requests for procedures because patients were more aware of their looks on social media. The most popular procedures? Nose jobs, hair transplants, and eyelid surgery (who knew that was even a thing!?). K, well, it’s great to look your best but there’s no reason to let your obsession with Facebook likes turn you into Michael Jackson or, like, Heidi Montag. Hate your pic? Just put a damn insta-filter on it like everyone else. Read article>>

Ohio State students have mumps

Ohio State University (aka UMich’s dumb, athletic brother) has a big problem with the mumps. So far there have been 23 confirmed cases,18 of which were in students. Authorities are now mapping cases to figure out how each person became infected. OSU students were also scheduled to return from Spring Break Monday. So basically, hope that guy you made out with on that Cancun Booze Cruise this past week wasn’t a Buckeye. If he was, it’s your own fault anyway. His insistence that you call it “THE Ohio State University” should’ve been enough of a turn off already. Read article>>

Chocolate without the calories. Study to test chocolate pills for heart health

You may have heard from one of your health conscious besties, or like the cashier at Whole Foods, that dark chocolate actually has a few health benefits. But since eating a shit ton of candy bars is for fat people, there’s a study coming out to see if “Chocolate Pills” can deliver the same nutrients without you consuming 5,000 extra calories in the process. The hope is that the pills will help reduce strokes and heart attacks without any chocolate going straight to your ass. Until then, you think there’s any chance they can figure out how to put the same amount of nutrients in a Starbucks iced coffee? Because, if so, they’ll improve the health of betches everywhere. Read article>>


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