198. The Instawhore

You may not know the hashtag but you definitely know the girl. She's the one who's constantly pic-stitching a sunset with a vodka soda, photographing her sashimi like it's a fucking Annie Leibovitz shoot, and reminding her besties to “like, don't comment!” on her pics. She might even have a public profile in order to accept likes from randos. Public…gross!

It's a disease betches, it's called living for the like, and if we learned anything from Contagion, this pandemic has an R-not of at least 12. And its victims are the instawhores.

Every betch knows that nothing is worth doing unless it generates double-digit instagram likes. It's a form of respect, and unlike things like Chanel bags and college admission, it cannot be bought. If no one likes a post within 2 minutes, consider it as meaningless as a Kirstie Alley diet.

While check-ins are frowned upon on Facebook, geo-tagging is revered on Instagram, especially if it enhances an otherwise underwhelming photo. Look how chic this Skinny Girl marg looks on this boat next to my feet, with the American flag waving in the distance as the Nashville filter overlays this East Hampton scene. Side Note: Anything with an American flag is an automatic double digit like, but throw down an East Hampton locale and watch virality happen.

On the other hand, vacations and music festivals are the holy grail of social media likes, as more people talk about Coachella than they do about voting. While at a festival or concert be sure and get an “in the moment” pic of everyone’s arms in the air with lasers cutting through the crowd. Shots of lasers blurred with the smoke and further blurred with filters are standard…. captioned with Everything seems like a city of dreams..when you’re rolling face.

So how do you know when you or a bestie has become the instawhore? Aside from constantly checking your feed like you suffer from insta-tourettes, some tell-tale signs are making your profile public and then excessively hashtagging in a non-ironic way (and then deleting them so no one knows you did it) to get more likes from strangers. For example, #nails #nail #hand #hands #red #pretty #sparkle #sparkly #opi #essie #long #longnails #manicure #mani #likemypicturepleaseiamdesperate

Another sign is asking your besties to like your insta, which is slightly ridic but then again, with so many people betting their entire self-worth and esteem on instagram likes, it's like the new rules of feminism that you should be liking approximately 100% of your besties' instas, and about 30% of outer circle instas. However the real power betch is sparing with her likes so it becomes like an honor to have had her like your shit. It's a science, respect it. Apply some tilt and National Geographic will be in contact shortly to let you know you won photo of the year.

#197 Overreacting >>


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