Beach season is right around the corner and I really need to get my shit together. I accidentally tried on my Triangl swimsuit NOT in the apartment's skinny mirror and Jesus Christ how did this happen!? My ab lines are more non-existent than my boyfriend and things are jiggling that I didn’t know I had.
Time for a diet. Two weeks of misery and I’ll no longer worry about being mistaken for a beached whale while in my bikini. I just saw a Good Morning America special on eating healthy, and they made it seem like cake. Aw man I totally can’t have cake. I’ll look up healthy recipes and workouts on Pinterest, buy a shit ton of fruits and vegetables to replace the Easy Mac and Girl Scout cookies, and make my roommates do it with me because if I can’t have carbs, no one in this house can either.
I have my recipes, made my list, and it’s time to hit the grocery store. Holy shit groceries are expensive! I need like two tablespoons of this stuff do I really have to buy the entire bottle for six dollars? And who decided grapes could be so expensive, what are they laced with gold? I don’t know what half these ingredients are, and I definitely don’t have time to awkwardly stand here next to the produce section and google pictures of them while soccer moms give me the side eye. Fuck it, I’m just going to buy stuff to put into smoothies, rice cakes and a shit ton of salad. Or should I get kale? WTF is kale anyway?
Wow, call me Martha Stewart. That salad was BOMB and I forgot how great apples tasted. For once I feel satisfied and refreshed without having to contemplate if I have a food baby while in a food coma on the couch. I could totally eat healthy for longer than two weeks, this is a new me and this is only the beginning!
WTF it’s been three hours since my salad how the hell am I already thinking about food. I can’t be hungry. It’s all mental. I’ll just drink a lot of water- that is suppose to curb your appetite. Did you know that 50% of the time when you think you’re hungry, you’re actually just thirsty. I got this.
No way I’ve only been doing this for three days. This diet needed to end, and it needed to end yesterday. Salad is the devil. I’d rather chew glass than eat another bowl of this green garbage. Even while I’m eating my lunch I’m thinking about all the better things I could be eating. My attempt at pretending my rice cakes are pizza with bacon bits is no longer working, and whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” clearly never had french fries. My strategy to just drink coffee to curb my appetite isn’t tricking my brain anymore, and if I don’t have bread and cheese soon I’m going to punch a baby. My organs are literally eating themselves and I can feel myself willowing away to nothing.
I’ve been doing really good and all, so I think it’s time for a little cheat meal as a reward. ONE cookie isn’t going to make me fat, and I’ll just run an extra ten minutes at the gym tomorrow. If I just pick off other peoples plates the calories really don’t count, and they deserve it for eating good food in front of me during this delicate time. One bite is honestly nothing (even if I happen to take one bite out of every item in the fridge.) Ten minutes later: Oh my god why did I do that. So many regrets. All that work and I just ruined it, I’ll further punish myself by looking at my stomach in the mirror.