If you’re anything like me, you probably visited Mexico on a tequila-fueled spring break trip back in college—you know, that time in our lives *before* 48-hour hangovers existed. The only difference between then and now (other than my reliance on botox)(you get it) is my taste in tequila. I’m no longer a bottom-shelf-cheapest-you’ve-got kinda girly. I’m a Patròn loyalist.
Now, ICYMI, all tequila—yes, even the shitty kind you drank before *that* 2013 wet t-shirt contest in Cabo—is made in the Mexican state of Jalisco. Patròn is no exception. In fact, the booze maker has a Hacienda in Atotonilco El Alto, Jalisco where the brand’s own tequila is hand-crafted and bottled on site. We just so happened to score a welcome to the exclusive property and five-star, invite-only guest house. Since you can’t go—not to rub it in, but also kinda—we’re taking you along for the ride with us.
La Casona Is Like The Four Seasons On Steroids…
La Casona, which quite literally translates to “the big house,” is an ultra-luxe, hotel-like establishment on the Patròn grounds where celebs, clients, and anyone else the booze maker deems “worthy” stays. And while the entire property is invite-only—yes, including the distillery—the company does have a steady flow of guests through its doors… including yours truly.
After a short drive from the Guadalajara airport, I arrived at the Hacienda Patròn and was immediately treated to lunch in the dining room—where, ahem, we ate some bomb-ass food. It’s not that I wasn’t expecting it (I was) but the result still managed to exceed those expectations. As did every single meal after that. Think: tacos, tostadas, quesadillas, tamales, you name it.
The grounds themself were breathtaking, from the courtyard situated smack dab in the center of La Casona to the distillery building itself. The room was every bit as opulent with two four-post king-sized beds where—I kid you not—I maybe had the best sleep of my life. And I swear it wasn’t *just* about all the tequila they fed us beforehand.
Time To Drink
But oh, tequila they fed us. After I had successfully slept off the prior night’s tacos and martinis (yes, we drank tequila martinis and I’m never going back), we got up and hit the agave fields. While there are agave plants on site—which have been used in the past and will be used in the future for limited-edition batch releases—the trek out to the Patròn agave fields is a little further than our La Casona front door.
Once we returned from the fields, we strapped on our safety gear—including a pair of clear goggles that I *swear* Gen-Z could find a way to successfully style—and hit the distillery. The building itself is stunning with a capital S, but let me tell you, the inside was somehow even better. Our trusty tour guide led us through the facility and we got a behind-the-scenes look at how the tequila is actually made. We saw them crack open the agave and everythang. Don’t get me wrong, it was all interesting (especially the seamless bottling process), but the best part came next: the tasting.
While I was a fan of the tour, I’ll admit: ya girl loves drinking tequila more than she loves watching it get made. Here’s the good news, though: There was plenty of the former, too. We sipped damn near every variety of tequila before dinner was served—don’t worry, they stuffed us with snacks so we weren’t barfing in the agave plants—including the chance to try a never-before-sipped innovation that I absolutely can’t tell you about but am bursting at the seams to spill. Tequila doesn’t help with secret keeping, does it?
We Drank Tequila ‘Tinis & Placed Embarrassing Song Requests For The Mariachi Band
The second and last night included yet another feast (spoiler alert: sushi in Mexico is a game-changer, trust me on this) and even more of those tequila ‘tinis—which, personally, made me the ideal audience member for our after meal surprise: a mariachi band. Yes, I requested Despacito like the basic ass bitch I am and yes they played it. Blame the ‘tini’s if you’re embarrassed for me.
We wrapped up the night with cigars by the fire pit (I smoke cigars now?), jalapeno poppers, and Mexican doritos (because the waitstaff heard our drunken cries), and 2 am karaoke—where I performed a rousing rendition of Lady Gaga’s “You & I.” Once again, blame the tequila.
Other Luxury Properties You Can Take All Of The Tequila Shots Your Heart Desires
Just because the Hacienda Patròn is invite-only doesn’t mean you should be robbed of the experience of chugging tequila at a luxurious resort. In fact, we’re here to help you achieve just that. The Rosewood Mayakoba, which is located on a white sand beach surrounded by the emerald lagoons, is a perfect pick. Of course, if you want to relive your Cabo days (only not in the same run-down beach resort that was in your college budget), go for the Waldorf Astoria Los Cabos Pedregal.
For the real tequila experience, however, you’ll have to venture away from the beach and closer to Jalisco with us. Guadalajara just so happens to be the capital of Jalisco and a short drive from other major tequila distilleries and destinations. Snag a room at the JW Marriott Guadalajara and ask for a tequila martini!
Image courtesy of The Kentucky Gent.