If The Disney Princes Were Fuckboys From Your Past

By Betches Staff | September 29, 2017
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We all know that Mattel released a new line of fuckboy Ken dolls, but we’d be kidding ourselves if we said that this was the first time a big corporation tried to push fuckboys on us at an early age. Nay, this process of subtly convincing betches to accept way less than what we deserve began as early as our childhoods with the onslaught of Disney fuckboy princes. In time you will date all the Disney princes—just perhaps not in the way you’d planned. Below, the Disney Princes as fuckboys from your dating past, present, or future.

Prince Naveen – The Recycled Fuckboy

Every friend group has a Naveen—dark, charming, handsome, goofy. You all met this guy and immediately group texted “Wait is it just me or is Naveen a regulation hottie?” and you all collectively breathed a sigh of relief when you realized you weren’t the only one who’d let him smash. Then you did a little digging, as one does, only to find out that he’d dated a girl in your pledge class. And your friend’s camp friend. And your roommate’s friend from high school. If you hook up with him, you will have fucked half your social circle through the transitive property. With a sigh, you resign yourself to not even go for it—it’s not worth the risk. A few years down the line, you’ll see he’s engaged to a girl who lived on your freshman hall. You’ll wistfully sigh because deep down you know they’re perfect for each other, but still. It could have been you.

Prince Naveen

Tarzan – Fuckboy’s First Girlfriend

Maybe you met this guy in high school or maybe you dated him right out of college, but whatever the age, he was a literal Neanderthal when you met him. Like, it was cute when you met him at Bonnaroo because he sold you molly and weed and gave you a free tab of LSD because he thought you were cute, but less cute when you left the farm and realized all he did for a living was sell molly and weed. Under your incessant nagging tutelage, he would go from miserable part-time grocery store bagger to miserable part-time temp. AND he learned the magic of showers. With soap. You’re truly a visionary. You made him cut off his white guy dreads and limit his music festivals to three per year… where he eventually met a white girl with dreads, fucked her in a tent but lied to you about it and said nothing happened, and dumped you for her. You thought about invoicing him for all your unpaid consulting time, but your bougie friends convinced you to not be so petty—plus the only assets this guy had were his bongo drums anyway.

Tarzan

Gaston – The Pathological Fuckboy

Gaston’s the fuckboy who’s a senior in Sigma Chi when you’re a freshman—you know, the one who all your older friends warn you about but you test out the waters anyway because you “don’t believe what you hear” and “like to find things out for yourself”? Yeah, him. This dude is just all-around awful, but somehow he still gets pussy, probably for the same reason Taylor Swift is still able to get a boyfriend and people in Florida are still taking bath salts: You’ve heard he’s the worst but you think to yourself “It can’t be that bad.” I mean, think about it. Why do you think the Titty Triplets were all over Gaston? Probably because they were stupid freshmen who didn’t have any older sisters to warn them. So you date this guy thinking everyone’s claims are exaggerated, but in fact, he’s worse than you could have imagined. He acts like he doesn’t know you in public (read: when other girls are around). He constantly puts down your intelligence even though the last time he picked up a book was 2008. Even worse, he’s constantly talking about how he only drives Porsches and Maseratis. It doesn’t take you long to realize this fuckboy is the reason women came up with the term “fuckboy”, and you end it and immediately grovel to your friends who tried to warn you all along.

Gaston

Aladdin – The Povo Fuckboy

Look, we’ve all dated an Aladdin. Whether you were living in Atlanta and dated a guy who worked part-time at Foot Locker because you had low self-esteem and none of the southern frat bros who actually went to your college would give you the time of day, or you were actively trying to piss off your dad, it’s a phase every betch has gone through at some point in her life. Maybe you were trying to be sensitive to the fact that not everybody grows up as fortunate as you did (you’re so woke), or maybe you just thought his need to sneak into LA Fitness was badass. Whatever the reason, what started out as fun and rebellious quickly started to get old, and frankly, a little terrifying. At first the petty thievery gave you a rush; after attempting to dine and dash at a Denny’s it was just plain embarrassing. While your friends would joke about being completely poor, you were actually living that life because you were paying your way for two people. At some point, perhaps after he asked to borrow money to pay for his phone bill but he promised to “totally pay you back next payday”, you called it quits. You’ve been living in less-broke bliss ever since.

Aladdin

Prince Charming – The Fuckboy Who Got Away

In all honesty, your Prince Charming is not really a fuckboy—at least, not any more so than your average person with a penis. He was actually a pretty good guy, but for some reason (distance, timing, your early curfew), you two did not try to make it work. More likely, you dated in high school and broke up when you headed for college because you are sane and figured there would be plenty of Prince Charmings in the sea. Unfortunately, you were wrong. You will spend your days periodically checking his Facebook and being the first one to view every single one of his Instagram stories, wondering if he’ll ever come looking for you.

Prince Charming

John Smith – The Life-Ruiner Fuckboy

Simply put, John Smith is the fuckboy who comes into your life with the express purpose of fucking your shit up. This guy will leave your ego bruised, your self-esteem bloodied, and everyone you’ve ever known and loved slaughtered by genocide. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You and Fuckboy John Smith cannot agree on anything, from political viewpoints to whether or not Lemonade was all a pre-planned publicity stunt years in the making. Side note, any guy who does not like Beyoncé is seriously disturbed, and you should immediately call the police. But anyway, you and this fuckboy will try to understand each other and see eye to eye. You’re able to temporarily put your issues aside in the name of amazing sex, but once you’re done fucking each other into another dimension, you snap back to reality and oh, there goes gravity realize you have nothing in common. You’ll end things in the midst of a particularly heated argument when you realize he voted for Trump non-ironically and thinks Lee from The Bachelorette is just misunderstood. Thankfully, you will have taken no photos during your short pseudo-relationship, so you can plausibly deny it ever happened in the first place.

John Smith

Simba – The Driven Fuckboy

This fuckboy ran for middle school president and was constantly talking about how he’d rule the country one day. Like, literally always. fucking. talking about it. WE GET IT, JON. Anyway, even though this fuckboy was always talking about what he’d do when he was president, you never actually took him seriously. Until you started seeing him and he’d blow you off constantly for Young Democrats meetings and Young Presidents meetings and Young Political Aficionados meetings and you get the fucking picture. You were convinced he was cheating on you—half of those organizations aren’t even real—until he actually ran for local office and won, and you realized you probably dumped the future President of the United States. He ended up marrying his high school sweetheart, and you’re still trying to figure out if you fucked your life up or dodged a bullet.

Simba

Prince Eric – The Too-Good-To-Be-True Fuckboy

Upon first glance, Prince Eric has everything: used Band-Aids. Babies dressed as midgets. DJ Skittlez. Amazing hair. A killer smile. And he’s nice. You’ll meet him and think you’ve hit the jackpot, but not so fast. It seems too good to be true, and it is. You’ll slowly realize this guy is kind of dumb as fuck. Forget him noticing that you got a new haircut—you could, say, implant your voice into the larynx of an evil sea witch and suddenly become a mute and HE WOULD NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. Just, you know, a totally random example. You could be very happy with Prince Eric—I mean, just look at him—as long as you are okay with resigning yourself to a life of telling your husband that “irregardless” is not a word and that no, you do not just pop a birth control pill right before you’re about to have sex to avoid pregnancy like it’s ibuprofen and you’ve got a headache.

Prince Eric

The Beast – The Formerly Ugly Fuckboy

Despite being fucking hideous, you give The Beast a chance (probably because of his large trust fund). Although nature typically dictates that you need to either be hot or have a good personality, this guy has somehow managed to make it through life with neither. Probably, again, because of his large trust fund. Yah, you would think that an uggo would treat you like the princess you are, but think a-fucking-gain. This guy is such an asshole that it makes you question everything you thought you knew about humanity and your own sanity. He tries to control every aspect of your life, from your meals to your outfits to the wings of his mansion you can and cannot enter and more. Hopefully, you get out before he does something drastic, like lock you in a dungeon in exchange for your father’s freedom. Trust me, it’s just not worth sticking around to see if he eventually gets hot and snaps out of his scary abusive ways. You in danger, girl.

The Beast