If The Fuckboys In Your Life Were Streaming Services

Let’s face it, there’s really only one bae in your life these days, and it’s your streaming service of choice. I mean, who else would you spend hours in bed with daily? And as an added bonus, he never talks back, forgets to text, or expects you to stop what you’re doing mid-Scandal binge and have sex with him. He’ll just hit you with an “are you still watching?” every once in a while and leave your ass alone. What more does a girl need? I mean, realistically nothing.

Unfortunately, streaming services cannot magically come to life and date you. We don’t have the technology. Elon Musk, we’re counting on you. But if we did live in a universe where streaming services were the men in your life, here’s who they would be:

NETFLIX – Your Ride Or Die

When all other men have failed you, your Netflix bro is always there to pick up the pieces. Sure, sometimes after a weekend of non-stop hanging you feel like you’ve gone through everything he has to offer, but do a little digging and he’ll always have something unexpected for you to latch onto. You’ve known your Netflix bro for years—maybe you were even introduced to him by your parents—and have put so much effort into your relationship with him that he always knows exactly what you’re craving, even when you don’t. You feel comfortable sharing him with your family, friends, and even distant friends-of-friends-of-relatives because your relationship is so rock solid. Sure, you may wander a little bit and focus on a series that he can’t provide you (*cough* The Bachelor *cough*), but you know you’ll be back spending all day in bed together sometime soon. Honestly, probably within the next 24 hours.

HBOGO – Sugar Daddy

Your HBO Bro is the older, richer counterpart to your Netflix ride-or-die. You hit him up any time you’re kind of meh on your Netflix bro and want to mix things up a little bit by pretending to be a rich housewife with a baller cable package. Sure, HBO Bro is into some weird shit and honestly can be a little intense. Like, I’m tryna chill and drink Champagne right now, not listen to a three-hour in-depth explanation of the crisis in Syria, but you know if you hit him up infrequently then you’ll always be able to find something the two of you can connect on. You keep your HBO bro in your rotation for the two or three times a year where he really shows up and takes on you on an amaaaazing date that Netflix bro could never provide, like a roundtrip ticket to Westeros or a weekend away with Reese Witherspoon and her friend group in Monterey.

HULU – Friend Zoned Bro

Poor, sad Hulu Bro. You know he’s there. He knows you know he’s there. Any time you come to visit his page he gets so excited, literally begging you to subscribe. One day when you’re desperate you’ll give this guy a spin, but you know after 30 days when he finally asks you to commit you’re going to GTFO with some cheap line like, “Sorry Hulu, but I’m just not over Netflix.” This dude is in your life for when you are in the mood to watch something, anything, but he’s never going to be long haul. And honestly, you’ve already seen everything he has to offer. And sure, your parents love him because of all the Seinfeld re-runs, and every once in a while he’ll surprise you with something cool like The Handmaid’s Tale, but in the end you know that any time you’re hitting up Hulu Bro, it’s because every other bro on your list has failed to respond.

Amazon Prime – The Nice Guy

This is the guy that your friends are constantly telling you you need to get into, but something about him makes you feel like the price is just too high. Sure, your friends are constantly telling you about how much easier their life is with him in it, but you’re just not sold, and honestly, content-wise, this dude is just not pulling his weight. Man In The High Tower? Wtf is that? Maybe you and him will go on a couple of dates, but you’ll ultimately bow out after the first night when the sex is kind of meh. Still, you appreciate the fact that he likes all of your instas to this day and you’ll always consider hitting him up again the next time you need some d ASAP (one day delivery!) or get the urge to give Transparent has another season. Basically, he’s just your average nice guy who seems like the total package but ultimately fails to deliver. 

YouTube – Manwhore 

Well if it isn’t the dirtiest dick in town. If you’re watching shows on YouTube it’s because you have truly reached the end of your rope. Maybe it’s summer and you’re unemployed and in a slutty binge-watching phase, or maybe you’re just really desperate, but you do not hit YouTube Bro up if quality is what you’re looking for. He’s the type of bro that takes you on a “date” to the worst dive bar in the world or like, fucking McDonald’s, and when time comes to pay the check he realizes that he left his wallet in an Uber. You then spend the next three hours going down some weird, dark rabbit hole with him and come out the other end having just watched five hours of 9/11 truther videos and wondering what went wrong. For some strange reason, you keep him in your phone and hit him up every 6-8 months when you’ve (once again) hit rock bottom and just need entertainment, but you never tell anyone about him, and on the rare occasion you do see him out in public, you look away and pretend you never met.

SEESO – Who TF Is He?

If you read the word “Seeso” and thought, “wtf is Seeso?” that’s exactly who the Seeso Bro is. He’s that dude who you always forget when making a mental list of all the guy’s you’ve hooked up with in your life. Then one day you’ll be scrolling through your photo stream looking for TBTs and see one blurry, pixelated pic of the two of you at a bar and be like, “omg THAT guy?! Who was that guy?!? I think he was funny or something? I honestly can’t remember…”

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.