I Refuse To Take My Mask Off, And You Can’t Make Me

So apparently the CDC is announcing that fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a mask outdoors. And while all you sheeple might be rejoicing over being able to get Vitamin D to the lower half of your face and actually see what people look like when you pass them on the street, I’m not going to blindly follow some rules set forth by the government, even if they are in my best interest. I simply won’t do it. I won’t take off the mask! You can’t make me. I have freedoms, dammit, and rights, and I won’t be changing my behavior because a bunch of people with medical degrees tell me to. I went to a private liberal arts college to get a bachelors in creative writing, I’m no dummy!

Sue me, but I like wearing the mask, especially outdoors. I like that I can mouth along to my favorite Taylor Swift song while walking to the grocery store and nobody can tell what I’m doing under there. I also enjoy that I can make all the judgey facial expressions I want, and no one is the wiser! Is that such a crime?? Plus, if we’re being honest, I’ve gotten some killer maskne around my chin and upper lip, and I’m just not ready to debut that to the world yet. That tiny piece of cloth is cute, it’s breathable, and it hides half of my face from the world. If I want to keep it on forever, I’m going to do just that! And if I also want to drink a hard seltzer while walking down the street, I’m going to do that too, because last time I checked, this was a free country. (It goes without saying that I am white.) Laws? Never heard of ‘em!

Speaking of the CDC, how can we believe a single thing they say when they’re constantly updating the information as new research comes out? I like my guidelines like I like my Constitutional amendments: not updated in hundreds of years, even though we are in dire need of change.

Where are they getting this so-called information from, anyway? Oh, what, peer reviewed studies from the brightest minds in the field? Then how come I haven’t seen a single one of my high school friends post about it, hmm?

So you’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that, just in time for summer, when we’re sweating and our skin is oilier than ever—that’s when it’s suddenly okay to take the mask off outside? When we need more foundation to cover up our blemishes, different shades of foundation to go along with our tans, not to mention SPF?? How convenient! Seems like a ploy from Big Makeup to get us to buy more beauty products to me. Open your eyes!

You all have fun believing whatever the “scientists” tell you to believe. My friend from high school, Jenna (well actually, she’s not really a friend—in fact, she once told the whole school I was a slut despite the fact that I’d never even kissed anybody, but we just randomly got back in touch), who has a small business selling vegan cosmetics, is looking out for me. Unlike these scientists who just want to make more money. Yes, Jenna earns a small commission off every purchase of the $60 mascara and $45 eyeshadow, what of it? She said I’d be great at what she does, and it only costs a small startup fee of $99!

Go ahead, laugh. But when you get judgey looks for coughing into your elbow sans covering and swear it’s just allergies, don’t come crying to me.

Images: Yury Goryanoy /Stocksy

Sara Levine
Sara Levine
Sara cares about a few things, including cheese, cheap white wine (never chardonnay), and the Real Housewives of Potomac. She co-hosts Betches' Not Another True Crime Podcast and posts her tweets to Instagram.