; 215. Humble Bragging | Betches

215. Humble Bragging

On any given day your average betch is doing at least 5 things that nice girls dream of accomplishing before they turn 35. New car, check. Promotion, check. Accidentally start a blog while high…that was amateur shit.

Part of the territory of being a betch is sharing that awesome shit with the world, you know, to inspire those around us to stay betchy, San Diego, and also to keep our frenemies jealous. It’s just like, the rules of feminism. You know what they say, with great betchiness comes great responsibility. Consider it our charity work, right after attending fundraisers and being nice to awkward people.

Obviously it’s not cute to go around proclaiming to the world how great we are—if it were, “I Hit it First” would’ve made Ray-J like actually famous, instead of the biggest national joke since Sarah Palin’s run for VP.

Luckily there is an institution that allows us to let everyone know how much we’re constantly winning, without sounding like Kanye in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel. Welcome to Humble-Bragging.

If “Sorry I’m Not Sorry” is that girl who peaked in high school who now works part-time at The Gap, Humble-Bragging is her betchy older cousin who now has a job with Hermès.

When should you humble-brag? At brunch, when your LSAT score comes back, when someone asks you what your future plans are, when Patrice tries to name-drop the fact that she once met Kathy Griffin…Basically any time something happens and you want people to know about it without making it seem like you actually give a shit if anyone knows. Betches love a good mind-fuck.

Here's how you do it:

Preface any sentence with “I meannnnn” : I meannnn, it was just a free trip to Paris. The more extra n’s, the humbler the brag.

End the sentence with “no big deal” or “NBD”: Just ran into Ryan Gosling at Whole Foods, NBD. Betches are all about the reverse psychology.

Insert “casual” or “casually” anywhere in the sentence: Casually landed a speaking role in the new SATC movie. Just another casual Tuesday. If this is a casual day for me, just imagine what I can accomplish when I’m trying. Oh wait, I don’t try.

For the social media humble-brag, use hashtags of any of the above, #blessed, #soblessed, and the obvious, #humblebrag.

Now go forth and humbly brag. Just don’t go overboard because then you're just bragging and I'd rather get brunch with my gynecologist than Dana Wilkey.