First I just wanted to say how much I love your site, its one of the most intelligent and humorous things I have read in a while. So now for my problem… I just read your “dud” post and I have a feeling I have become the dud of my friend group! I use to be part of this lamer friend group but then I thought I could do much better so I switched friend groups and now unfortunately am at the bottom of the group. I act like the perfect bestie; keep everyone's secrets, help if they ask and even bake treats for everyone sometimes. I've been hanging with this new friend group for almost a year now and still am not invited to the group chills and not all the pregames. Could you give me some advice for what to do to be recognized in this group and in other words “social climb” within this group. Thanks sooo much!
The dud _______________________________
While we feel a very miniscule amount of sympathy for you because we imagine it must suck to be the #48 Dud, you should think about how you got yourself into this situation to begin with. Seriously why the fuck are you asking for more advice on how to social climb? You social climbed out of your old group right into the coveted position of group bitch with these new “friends.” This should indicate either that a) social climbing doesn't work or b) you're really fucking bad at it.
A true betch doesn't social climb because you were born on top.
We have a feeling that the only person who appreciates your group “upgrade” is their former Dud, so either find someone lamer than yourself to be the new bitch or find some new friends altogether. Our advice tends toward the latter because it seems tiring to constantly try to be friends with your own friends.
Finally, let's talk about some of the things you've done in your role as group bitch so you can avoid making the same mistakes again:
Betches don't eat, so please don't bake us anything. We feel rude vomitting up your hard work.
Keeping people's secrets and doing them favors is noble of you. Too bad betches don't like nice people.
Get back to us when you've watched Mean Girls a few hundred times. We think you can learn a lot from Gretchen Wieners. She's not the group Dud per se, but your email reminds us a little of the scene when she flips out about Julius Caesar. Buy a Mandarin textbook and see if the cool Asians have a space at their table.
The Betches ___________________________________
First of all, this site is amazing. I'd like to think I am a true betch, but sometimes I have a hard time being one. What my friends and I have been wondering for a long time, is how do betches not give a fuck about bros? I think it is the most admirable quality of a betch but definitely the hardest trait to perfect. In order to win, manipulate, control, and use our betch powers, we have to not care, because as you have said before, not caring is winning and I couldn't agree more. So I guess I could say my main concern, and ultimately my main question is, do you have any tips on how to not care and how to completely own a situation with a bro? I think it is entirely more satisfying to manipulate and control a bro than to actually have feelings for for one. But what are the best tactics to use to get there?
A Betch Who Wants To Win ___________________________________
Dear Betch Who Wants to Win,
Like our therapist or the Dalai Lama might say, the key to answering this question is all about changing how you think about things. Even though controlling bros is all about #32 winning, and winning is entirely about your actions, it's nearly impossible to consistently win if you're in the wrong mindset.
Here's where your mindset is flawed. You're thinking about others and what others think. As we've said before, true betches should only be thinking about the most amazing person we know of, ourselves. Once you love yourself enough it becomes nearly impossible to give a shit what anyone else thinks about you, so winning comes naturally because caring is losing.
It's actually very simple. As a betch, you project your awesomeness onto everyone you encounter so even in the rare instance that you have actual feelings for a bro, it shouldn't matter. Lots of bros are obsessed with you and therefore if he's interested, it's his job to give you a reason to choose him over the others. It's the natural dynamic of betches and bros. If he isn't doing this and that upsets you, you keep that shit to your fucking self.
We recognize it can be difficult to force yourself not to care, but you should still try. Not every guy has to be in love with you as long as you're in love with yourself. If you have a hard time controlling your thoughts, that's not ideal but it's okay because it's easier to control what you say and do. As you succeed at winning, your feelings should go away naturally because the game will get boring. Remember, just because a betch has one feeling one time doesn't mean anyone ever has to know.
Remember, winning is pointless when you've already won.
The Betches ________________________________
Dear Betches, From one betch to another I think it goes without saying that you guys are totally funny. I'd almost even say you’re as funny as me. But, lez be serious, no one is funnier (or prettier) than me. If you don't believe me, just ask my dad or my psychiatrist, they tell me it like all the fucking time. Anyways as we all know the only problems that a betch should ever have to face is like why the Chanel makeup counter is out of bronzer or like why your maid cant fucking grasp the color coordination that your closet must be in. But that’s why I have found myself turning to you betches. While sure I could confide in my groups #dud, but I’m worried it may cause me to lose my standing as top betch. So anyway let’s just cut to the fucking chase, the dilemma is as follows, after graduating my daddy told me that the “free for all was over” and that it was time to get a “job”. Now don’t get me wrong I'm totally into this whole women's rights bullshit and like supporting yourself (ew), but who are we kidding I am WAY too attractive and cute to sit behind a desk all day. But thanks to bitches like Hillary Clinton and Condalesa Rice or whatever her name is, it’s become totally unacceptable to openly admit that your biggest goal in life is to marry some doctor (preferably a plastic surgeon, so i can get all my future procedures for free) or partner at a firm that makes over 10 figures and maybe has like a trust fund or something. Doesn’t he know he paid $100,00 for school so I could get my MRS degree (yes that’s MRS as in “Mrs. William Thomas Fitzgerald III”). Anyway I'm not sure what to do, because my dad just is not getting the point when I tell him that making cold calls all day is by no means “living the dream”, fucking duh.
Before we help solve your issue, we must address a problem that is quite apparent and considerably larger than than the one you're talking about. If you're trying to promote your Twitter alter ego through our site, do it fucking right. Betches might not keep up with the news, but we definitely know how to use Google. So look shit up before you send something to us, stupid people are never taken seriously.
With that said, we must say that you hit the nail right on the head. No betch ACTUALLY wants to get a job. We're all secretly fucking pissed off that this whole women's rights shit went as far as it did. We just want to publicly embrace the fact that our greatest desires are to able to get mani/pedis, shop, and fucking go out, without being told we're bums and need to do something substantial with our lives. Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice might be smart and powerful women, but they're also really fucking ugly. Like, betches don't want to end up looking like that.
So use your charm, convince your dad to keep paying for you while you pretend to look for a job. Meanwhile, find a husband.
And if you think that anyone is funnier or prettier than us you have way bigger problems than not getting a job. Consider a change in your Twitter handle…We checked, @delusionalgirlproblems is still available.