Hey betches, a lot of you have been writing to us with suggestions, concerns, questions, and inquiries as to our amazing and mysterious identities. While we’re super busy (there’s only so many prime tanning hours in a day), we really appreciate all of your input and even though we don't care about other people, some of your stories are way too interesting to keep to ourselves. With that we introduce our new Sunday column, Dear Betch.
As a true betch you’re bound to run into some problems that inevitably come along with being universally envied for your perfection. We understand, it’s tough to be on top! With great power comes great responsibility, which we hate. Anyway, usually when we find ourselves in a bind, the only people who are willing to help us are nice girls, whose advice usually sucks, or like, our therapists, and they’re usually not betchy anyway. So every Sunday, we’ll be answering your emails and giving you advice on the betchiest way to handle any tough sitch.
Send us your problems, regrets, confessions or praise to firstname.lastname@example.org. Everything is anonymous and we're happy to help you out…at least until it stops raining or we're late for our manicure appointment.
P.S. We love your emails, but try and learn how to spell. You're a betch, not a stupid bitch. ____________________________________________________________________________
Your site is the bomb. I feel like maybe you can tell me what a betch would do in this situation. I know this girl alright, we have a lot of mutual friends and we're always pleasant. I know her boyfriend much better and we're friends. He cheated on her (no sex just hooked up) with me, and he got caught. She broke up with him, freaked out on me, and now I’m sure the entire town is going to hate me cause we have so many people that know us both. I effed up, I told her how unbelievably sorry I was and that I never wanted to intentionally hurt her. Now I have to think of myself. How do I come out of this on top and somehow not being hated by everyone? So if you get caught cheating, whats a betch to do?
One Screwed Up Betch ____________________________________________________________________________
Dear One Screwed Up Betch,
First, let's point out what you did right. When betches fuck up, which isn’t often, it’s important to immediately admit what you did wrong and apologize for it. There's no one worse than the bitch who does messed up shit and refuses to apologize for it. Shocking as it is, we’re only human and even betches make mistakes.
So you hooked up with some other betch’s boyfriend. Not a betchy move. Betches don’t need to hook up with other people’s boyfriends. Guys either break up with these other girls in order to date us, or we can find tons of other single hot guys to
hook up with not fuck or date. Consider this a learning experience and find your own fucking guy. That being said, this doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you did something wrong and once you apologize there’s really not much else you can do.
Also, if you claim to be a betch, you shouldn’t be thinking about what the whole town is thinking about you. Yeah you fucked up, but like fucking own it.
If this betch who you fucked over wants to get back at you by spreading shit about you (and she probably won’t if your apology was like, genuine and not lame), then that’s her shit to deal with. She's clearly insecure. Maybe you’re hotter than her. Maybe you’re skinnier. We don’t know you so we really can’t say. Our advice is to let things run their course. You can't control what other people say or do, so chill out and stop worrying. Learn some meditation techniques, or like, take a Xanax. In a week some other whore will probably hook up with this cheating asshole and she’ll have her sights set on ruining someone else's life.
Good luck betch, and beware that if you ever hook up with one of our boyfriends we’ll fucking kill you.