How Your Zodiac Sign Will Handle The Coming Apocalypse

The end of the world—it’s coming faster than you think. Or about exactly as fast as you think, depending on how much you pay attention to the news. Whether it be via asteroid, zombie attack, nuclear fallout, delta plus, or climate change (some of these things are more likely than others), each sign of the zodiac is uniquely suited to battling the elements for survival. Except one. One is going to die. But at least now you know. 

Aries: Survival By World Domination

The year is 2035. The earth is a scorched desert, and the remaining humans have split off into vicious tribes. The world has gone Mad Max, and you’re that guy with the cage on his face. Aries will survive by using their leadership skills and ruthless ways to become the leader of a roving hoard of thieves and grifters. Just make sure to keep an eye out for Charlize Theron. 

Taurus: Build A Bunker

Outside may be a toxic wasteland, but inside your bunker you have everything you need to survive for a long, long time. Your hoarding ways have prepared you for this. And unlike those idiots in Bird Box, when you close your door to the outside world, you are not opening back up again, no matter how desperate the person on the other side sounds. Good thing you enjoy your own company, because you might end up the literal last person on Earth. 

Gemini: Hitch A Ride To Space

Geminis are blessed with the gift of gab, and when shit goes down, you will use it to talk your way onto some billionaire’s spaceship. Preferably Rihanna’s. You’ll use your knowledge of a little bit of everything to convince someone, somewhere, that you deserve to be on the flight to Mars. If only your exes had been so lucky… 

Cancer: Take To The Seas

Given the rising sea levels, Cancers have no choice but to go full Waterworld. You made your way to the disappearing coastline and took to the seas, Jack Sparrowing your own vessel around the ocean that used to be the Florida panhandle. 

Leo: Becoming A Cold, Hard Killer

The world has ended and you, my friend, have fully snapped. Good. You’re a sharpshooter. You’re a master of martial arts. You have an eyepatch now, and nobody fucks with you. Your reputation precedes you across the land and other survivors know to stay away. Far, far away.  

Virgo: Be A Survivalist

Virgos are always prepared, meaning you’ve probably researched every potential doomsday scenario and have a rough plan already. You will tap into your deep well of knowledge from years of watching Survivor, binging Bear Grylls, and that time your boyfriend made you watch The Revenant, and learn how to survive in the wild while others perish. And people say reality TV isn’t worth anything. 

Libra: Does Not Survive

Libra…honey…you’re not gonna make it. I hate to say it, but it’s true. Between your indecisiveness, klutziness, and general good nature, you are just not suited to the dog-eat-dog world of The End Times. Best case scenario, you use your penchant for making friends to find someone who will take you under their wing. Then just like, stay indoors. Seriously.  

Scorpio: Become A Mole Person

Scorpios love nothing more than going deep emotionally, so it stands to reason that when things gets messy they would also go deep literally. When shit hits the fan on the surface, Scorpio will go underground like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, returning to the surface only to kick ass and steal pizza. Doesn’t sound so bad. 

Sagittarius: Go Out Partying

Living on a toxic dump planet with filthy air, boiling seas, and no happy hour? Yeah, no. That’s not your vibe. Rather than deal with all this “new world order” shit, Sagittarius will go down with the ship. Preferably with a bottle of tequila in both hands screaming something like, “come and get me, you zombie bitches!” It’ll be epic.  

Capricorn: Farm The Land

Looks like those hours you’ve put in cultivating your plant family were worth more than a few good Insta stories, because you’re going to survive by making like the ancestors and tilling the soil! Glamorous? Not really. The most viable way of survival once the mutants cut off the power grid and lay claim to the Northeast? Absolutely. 

Aquarius: Find The Cure

Aquarians love to think big picture, and there is no bigger picture during the apocalypse than the continued survival of the human race. When The End Times arrive, you’ll be the one who figures out how humanity can survive, whether it be by developing the cure for COVID-34 or by realizing the aliens can’t listen to country music. Thanks in advance! 

Pisces: Become A High Priestess

In light of The Great Fire Cloud Of 2037, you have joined millions of your fellow humans in becoming a devotee of the Church Of The Fire Queen, where you have become a High Priestess. You are fully thriving.

Images: VISUALSPECTRUM /; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.