Here to make 2017 brighter, to make lemonade out of lemons, and to make babies out of copulating with Jay Z, is the one, the only, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. (Or just Bey, if you nasty.) Unless you’ve been riddled with the Zika virus for the past week and haven’t been able to check your Instagram feed or speak to anyone else on planet Earth, then you know Beyoncé can still bear children. Twins, in fact. After deciding to procreate for the second time, Beyoncé announced her pregnancy the only way a modern woman knows how: via her Instagram. In a fake field of fake flowers. With a green veil.
At this point, you should also know that Beyoncé is set to headline Coachella this spring. Incidentally, her pregnancy announcement ensemble will be the exact same outfit worn by 95% of female Coachella attendees.
If you understand basic math and how babies are born, you’re probably forming calculations in your head right now and panicking about Bey’s ability to stand upright and not eat pickles for a few hours in April. I am not a doctor, but I’d say she looks somewhere between “too late to abort” and “too early to have babies.” So probably five months. If I’m right, that means in April, she’ll be about eight months pregnant.
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (snooze), there’s a fuck ton of complications that come with being doubly pregnant. Apparently, the most common complication of twin pregnancies is preterm birth. More than half of twins are born “preterm” aka before their due date. Meaning that if my calculations are correct and Bey’s 8 months pregnant during Coachella, she could give birth at any second on that stage. On the bright side, think of how iconic and traumatizing that would be for an audience of mostly high teenagers. It won’t be the Destiny’s Child reunion we’ve been asking for, but we’re pretty sure these babies could pop straight out of the womb and still be more exciting performers than Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams.
The ACOG says nothing about a woman’s “ability to perform in front of thousands in the desert”, but it does say that if pregnant with twins, your risks of preeclampsia (a condition that fucks with your blood pressure), gestational diabetes, and getting morbidly obese for about nine months do increase. Not that any of that applies to Beyoncé because she is physically incapable of gaining weight (no matter what she eats, it’s like, so annoying), and anytime her blood pressure deviates even slightly from the healthy range, she whispers at it to “get in formation” and it regulates itself.
However, this wouldn’t be the first time Bey performed pregnant. In 2011, she was five months pregnant with Blue Ivy, and she still killed it at the MTV Music Video Awards. Plus, a ton of artists have graced the stage while with child.
^Not what I meant.
At the 2009 Grammys, M.I.A. performed with a very visible baby bump. Alicia Keys was pretty pregs at the 2014 MTV Europe Music Awards. Again, Ciara, pretty fucking pregnant at Hyundai’s 2014 Grammys celebration. Carrie Underwood even hosted the entire 2014 CMAs pregnant. And these women were able to accomplish all that without even being Beyoncé, so anything is possible.
The question remains: Queen Bey will be giving birth to our future president(s), but can she still birth an incredible and unforgettable performance at Coachella? According to TMZ, Bey has no plans to cancel her performance or sit in a chair the whole time, and so far she hasn’t said anything public about wanting to back out and just take a nap during that month instead. However, she did want fans to know that they will not be getting refunds for the money they spent on Lemonade, even if Beyoncé convinced you to leave your man while she was getting impregnated by hers.
If shit hits the fan, perhaps Jay can take the stage and finally give us what we’ve all been waiting for: Becky’s real name and street address.