How to Tell Whether You’re On a Date Or Not

USA Today reports that young idiots today express a lot of confusion over whether their hang outs with members of the opposite sex are dates or just ‘casual hangouts’ where people ‘get to know each other’. Ugh, did they give this study to a random online survey of 2,647 singles, ages 18-59 or to fucking Juan Pablo and the girls at the Bachelorette house? I personally have never once been confused as to whether or not I’m on a date so I can’t decide if this is a problem that plagues just ugly people or the ones using ChristianMingle and JDate, where the survey was conducted.

Let’s look at some statistics that look at just how fucking stupid our generation’s iPhones have made them:

69% are at least somewhat confused about whether an outing with someone they’re interested in is a date or not. Almost one-quarter (24%) also think it is “a planned evening with a group of friends,” and 22% agree that “if they ask me out, it’s a date.”

Almost 25% of people think a planned evening with a group of friends is a date? No, that’s called a pregame with the possibility of the guy getting you drunk enough that you forget that you’re #8 not supposed to fuck him this early. I would love to meet the delusional girl who thinks the fact that she and some guy are both attending a college friend’s Facebook invite birthday at a bar is a date. She would provide amazing writing material.

Dating is really simple betches, and it goes like this: You meet a guy. He gets your number. He texts you between 20 minutes and 3 days of flirty banter. He initiates meeting up for drinks. THAT is a date. For some reason, 78% of the morons surveyed don’t agree that ‘if they ask me out (which is by the way the DEFINITION of a date) it’s a date’.

“It comes up often. ‘I hope she doesn’t think this is a date. I just want to have fun,’ ” says complete scrub Tayo Rockson, 24, a first-year MBA student at Fordham University in New York.

Tayo has just proclaimed himself as a guy everyone should avoid. Good job, Tayo. As with our monologue on #52 guy friends, steer clear of any guy who gives you signals so ambiguous you might think you’re meeting up with a friend. Like fuck off, I have enough friends.

New York City psychotherapist Rachel Sussman says getting past the notion that a date is a planned event between two people still leaves mixed signals. “A planned evening with a group of friends or a 9 o’clock text — ‘I’m at this bar. Want to come?’ — that is now more considered a date or something romantic,” she says.

Well Rachel, that’s why all your clients are in therapy. They’re completely fucking delusional. That is NOT a date. Group hangout are not DATES. Who are these freaks who are going around telling their friends this is the case? Oh right, they’re currently drafting their Dear Betch articles…

Also, what is this paying ambiguity?

The guy pays always because the guy asks you on the date always. That’s like Betchism 101. Sure you can do a very subtle empty gesture of reaching for your wallet on date 3 but no respectable guy actually accepts this.

For that first date, the survey found 69% of men believe the man should pay, while 55% of women agree. 23% said who pays for a date “depends on who initiates” and another 18% said costs should be equally split.

Good to know there is a full 31% of the male population out there who are so fucking cheap and lame that they’d let a girl pay for their first date. Then add on another 18% with so little pride they’d let a waiter take 2 credit cards before they’ve even come close to fucking her. By my math that leaves only like, 51% of men who are surveyed who think that they should ALWAYS pay for the first date. I assume the 45% of women who don’t agree that the man should pay are just Anne Hathaway refreshing the survey multiple times so she can take it again and again.

“If I’m asking the individual out, I will be paying for it,” says Aaron Atkins, 28, of Santa Monica, Calif., a recruiter for a consulting firm and clearly the only normal person being surveyed.

Bottom line, I’m never partaking in online dating if this is the sorry group of cheap idiot bastards out there.

Source: USA Today 


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