As the summer has (finally) come upon us, so too has the time to take highly staged bikini photos while “relaxing” by the pool. Fucking duh. And no one does highly staged bikini photos relaxing by the pool better than the thirstiest thots on Instagram. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones who pose totally candidly on a public beach with their areolae (that’s the plural form of “areola” btw) practically on display and caption the photo “Happy Memorial Day!” *cough* Ariel Winter *cough* TBH, I’ve learned a lot from thots over the years, like which facial expressions will make me look the most like a baby prostitute (important) and that the limit to extra-ness does not exist. But if there’s one thing I can take away from their
daily cries for help Instagram accounts, it’s how to take a fire bikini selfie. So let’s examine a few key poses that will definitely land you a spot later in my group chat devoted to shit-talking and also probs a “u up?” text from your ex. K? Let’s get started.
***Please note: by “selfies” I don’t mean, like, actual pictures you can take yourself. You’ll one hundred percent need a loyal friend and/or fellow shameless person to take these pictures. Obviously.
1. The Vag Flash Pose
On any given day I’ll find Ariel Winter
proving she has daddy issues posing half-nude on Instagram and captioning it with shit that is irrelevant to the fact that I can practically see her vaginal lips on my Instagram feed. Like, does Instagram not have rules against soft porn? Or does that not apply if you’re extra? Sighs. Anyway, apparently Ariel likes to call herself a “role model” for young girls, and if by role model she means “showing them how to pose for the nudes they send their boyfriends” then, yes, she absolutely is one. The Vag Flash is a classic pose if you’re looking to have people mistake you for a porn star. Happens. They key here is to widen your legs as much as possible so your thighs look thin AF and also to leave your morality and human decency at the door. God bless ya, Ariel.
2. The “Let The Boobs Do All The Work” Pose
This one’s for all my lazy betches out there. If you want to literally do the bare minimum (hi) then you’re gonna want to hit up Emily Ratajkowski’s Instagram for inspiration, because she is a master at looking hot AF while doing nothing—a goal we all strive for in life. Basically you just stand there with your tits out and call it a day. Classic. The key to perfecting this pose lies heavily with your swimsuit choice. Go with a deep V one piece or something equally slutty for
maximum Instagram likes a “boats and hoes” aesthetic that will make your followers friends v jealous of your body and your life. Personally, this is my go-to. I will always choose any option that allows me do zero work while also showing a maximum amount of cleavage. Seriously, every time. I am so blessed.
3. The “Use Your Friend As A Prop” Pose
Ohhh, Bella, Bella, Bella. You are literally one step away from a sex tape. Kidding! I’m sure she already has a sex tape. Does anyone remember when Bella was just the beautiful bitchy girl from The DUFF whose most annoying trait was posting way too many #mcm posts about her Disney star boyfriend? And, like, now she refers to herself as a “yung smurf” and fucks Scott Disick in foreign countries. Oh how the
mighty barely famous have fallen. I was rooting for you, Bella! We were all (and by “all” I mean children under 14 and myself) were rooting for you! But even though Bella is clearly using bath salts going through something, she still looks damn good in her bikini selfies. Her favorite pose is to use whatever friend she’s dragged along on her drug-induced vacations as a prop. Just look at the above picture, it screams “omg we are so much fun HA HA HA HA… but also this ass though.” You aren’t fooling anyone, Bella. But, I mean, what are friends for if not to shamelessly use and abuse for Instagram likes? Hmm?
4. The Music Video Hoe Pose
I have learned so much from Corinne in the short time
I have known her she’s been Bachelor famous. Like, you can be your own sugar daddy if you want to (as long as your real daddy is loaded) and if you dress Nick well enough, you won’t even notice his lisp. She’s v wise, that one. But the most important thing she’s taught me is how I, too, can go from a simple background hoe in a 2 Chainz music video to an Instagram “influencer” in a few short years. Blessings. The thing I love about Corinne is that she blatantly poses on Instagram and DGAF about looking “natural” or “candid.” Case in point: her above music video hoe pose. Does that shit look natural to you? Of course not. But does she look good AF doing it? Absolutely. The best part is, it’s v easy to replicate. You basically just lie there and try and look sexy, an area I have tons of practice in, as this is low-key also my strategy in the bedroom.
5. The Lounge Pose
In case you don’t recognize this hoe, Anastasia “Stassie Baby” Karanikolaou is a coveted member of The Plastics aka Kylie Jenner’s girl squad. And I don’t mean “plastics” as a Mean Girls reference, I mean these bitches are literally made of plastic. But that’s neither here nor there. Stassie is the reason I hate beautiful people on Instagram. This bitch is literally always lounging. On a boat. On a chair. On a beautiful man. And, like, same girl. I, too, “lounge”, but on something that’s more within my price range. Like the couch. Be forewarned though, this pose isn’t for the average betch. You’ll need to, like, actually know your angles and shit. The key is to slightly perch on an object—too much of a perch and you might see belly rolls, but too little of a perch just makes you look like you’re awkwardly standing. You’ll also want to widen your legs ever so slightly so you can fake a thigh gap and look thin AF.
6. The “Look Back At It” Pose
If there’s anyone who’s perfected this pose, it’s Hannah Rathbun, aka one of the beautiful morons from my favorite garbage television show, Are You The One? For a girl who couldn’t find her perfect match to save her life (lol, remember when she thought it was Chuck?), she actually knows WTF she’s doing when it comes to bikini selfies. Her favorite pose is one I like to call the “look back at it” pose. The key here is to stand at a slight angle, with your front-facing leg propped up a bit so your ass is on full display. Then coyly look over your shoulder like this is so spontaneous and your friend hasn’t been crouching in the fucking sand for the last 10 minutes taking pictures of your blessed ass from every angle imaginable. Bonus points to Hannah for tattooing a crescent moon on her ass for optimal whimsical-themed photos. I admire your commitment to Instagram, I really do.
7. The Bambi Pose
Last but not least, we have the bambi pose, which is apparently the pose of summer 2017—but Kylie has been doing this shit
since she was 12 for years. This pose is easy AF to pull off, you literally just sit there and kneel and make a face like a baby prostitute. TBH, I would expect nothing less from Kylie. She will literally do anything to show off her ass, including posing in such a way that it looks like you might actually have a bowel movement at any second. I mean, just look at her Instagram account. I am genuinely concerned that no one has ever properly taught this girl how to sit in a chair. Instead of just putting her ass on a seat like a normal human she does this weird draping movement that, surprise, highlights her ass. But, like, don’t think for one second that I don’t also weirdly drape my body over chairs now so that my ass looks amazing. Don’t get it twisted.