How To Survive A Family Road Trip

We all know at the bottom of the acceptable summer vacation totem pole is a road trip with your family. But hey, at least it still kind of counts as an actual vacation, right?

Who knows, maybe your destination is going to be amazing. Still, whoever said that the journey is more important than the destination was definitely full of shit.

You need more survival gear in the car with your little brother and overly chatty parents than those people who felt the need to hike to the South Pole. Their journey ended with penguins, yours might end with the threat of being cut-off if your attitude gets too out of hand. Yikes.

Here’s what you need to go the distance. 


Pretty much every family argument starts with that message from your carrier that you’ve used 75% of your available data for the month. If you have unlimited data you’re totally safe and can you put me on your plan? The WORST thing that could happen on a family road trip would be running out of data in the middle of Nebraska. (Where are you going that you need to travel through Nebraska anyway?) Make sure you kind of conserve your data for the month so you can stream music, play games, surf FB and refresh your Insta feed 1000 times. Phone is life.

Something Time Consuming

If you have your data bases covered, think about how long you’ll actually be in the car. Four hours? Fine. Twelve hours? God help you. You’re going to need something to occupy your time. Magazines and whatever music you can fit on your iPhone are going to get old really fast. Generally betches don’t pay attention to the news, but this is a time where you can make an exception and expand your horizons. Download the audio version Hillary Clinton’s book or something else you’ve been kind of thinking about reading. You literally don’t have anything else to do, so you might as well listen to a full book. If a book isn’t your thing, get invested in a podcast. Serial, anyone? Or if you already blasted through Serial because you think Adnan is kinda hot, check out Undisclosed Podcast—A serial follow-up and every bit as interesting.


Betches love snacks and everyone knows eating cures boredom. If you’re the luckiest type of betch and can eat whatever and not get fat, don’t worry about planning ahead. Gas stations and fast food restaurants will cater to all your snacking needs. If you’re a normal human, you might want to bring your own food so you don’t bloat on a diet of sodium and grease. Nuts, fruit, carrots. Guys, they even have travel packs of hummus. Go with what you feel, just don’t fill up on crap.


If you give a betch a snack, she’s going to want a nap to go with it. Bring your pillow and some noise cancelling headphones. Pretend you’re on a plane and not stuck in a car with people you love but can’t stand. The good thing about the aforementioned audio books and podcasts is that usually the voices of people on those are usually super soothing, so even if you don’t want to actually listen to them, you might just be bored enough to be lulled into sweet, sweet slumber. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to snooze through the duration of the ride and can wake up at your destination. Pray for that.

I think it’s the Boy Scouts or an equally creepy organization that has the motto of “Be Prepared.” Follow that motto and you’ll for sure survive your family road trip this summer.

Good luck, betches.


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