In this day and age, if the subject of a guy refusing to give head comes up in TV/movies/over brunch, the response from women in the area (and any eavesdropping TTH men) is immediate and severe. So juvenile, we declare, rolling our eyes, as the representative #notallmen guy pipes in that “personally, he loves it.” Fortunately, it is no longer cool for men to be the only ones in a relationship regularly enjoying mouth-on-genital action, and the laundry list of their usual complaints has been rightfully outed as part of a larger, wholly unacceptable women-should-be-ashamed-of-their-bodies-especially-the-sex-bits scheme. (To be fair, I’m not saying men have been doing this with the active intent of AW YEAH BOUTA BODYSHAME—more likely, men have just ingrained the same notion many women have, that vaginas are legitimately gross, and that men may comfortably and unapologetically reference this. But I digress.)
Overall, while we’ve made tremendous strides in how men should approach thinking about oral sex, some women are still unsure how to handle this newfound right, much like how white women approached the right to vote in 2016 we’d approach the right to have Ryan Gosling as a man-servant for 12 hours. While we’re definitely psyched, we can also be really unsure how to ask for what we want or feel normal while it’s happening. See, just because we started yelling at guys for saying dumb shit like, “It smells weird,” doesn’t change the fact that most of us have still heard it at some point—and, that it’s then really hard not to think, “But DOES it smell weird,” every time a guy makes his way down there again. If you’re already out there enjoying tongue-induced orgasms on the regular, congratulations, and please share your secrets. But if you find yourself getting in your head too much to enjoy it, please know that you’re not alone, it’s not your fault, and there are definitely ways to make this better. Here’s a short list.
Put On Music
Hopefully, most of you have already learned that anything more than some light kissing is improved by background noise. While naked bodies touching feels awesome, the heavy breathing/mouths-disconnecting/general uncontrollable body sounds can sound uncannily similar to that time your co-worker brought in French onion soup for lunch and proceeded to eat it at their desk. When his head is between your legs and you’re all the way up there wondering what to do with your arms and face, you’re going to be hyper-aware of any sounds. Please, have those sounds be soothing, sexy music and not a dialed-up recording of “This is What a Tongue Sounds Like.” I’d warn against putting on TV, if you’re able to see it, and your mind already tends to wander. Noticeably holding back Friends-induced laughter will only lead to you farting in someone’s face him feeling demoralized and you feeling relieved when he gives up forever. Focus, dammit!
Get Him To Initiate
When anyone talks about enjoying giving head (regardless of gender), there’s usually some element of power involved (i.e. you know what you’re doing feels fucking amazing, and you’re getting off at least a little by being the magical Provider of Orgasms). So, I’ve found one of the fastest ways to receive enthusiastic head is making it known that (hypothetically, of course) if a guy were to go down on me right now, or do exactly THIS with his tongue, I would have the best orgasm of my life, witness my soul leaving my body, and build shrines to this god of a man for centuries to come (or whatever seems less likely to get you committed, IDK). Effective variations on this include, “Could you put your mouth here for just one second?” (implying that any longer would make you physically evaporate with pleasure, which he will take as a challenge) or, “I’m so close, can you help me,” the tone of which should be carefully calibrated to avoid any suggestion that you’re going to follow it up with a whimpered, “Daddy.” If he doesn’t get these hints, sorry—he was never intending on going down on you at all. But most guys should be sprinting to get between your legs at the notion of the power trip orgasm you’re about to enjoy, and their initiative will hopefully quiet the voice in your head insisting that he can’t possibly enjoy this. He can.
Don’t Ignore Your Nerves
At its core, getting head is lying down and doing nothing, which is why it’s so confusing when it’s not in every betch’s list of favorite things to do. On the other hand, getting a manicure also consists of doing almost nothing, and we all know how stressful that can be, since it involves basic choices, interactions with another human, and some skin-to-skin contact (my 6pm mani won’t feel awkward at all after fleshing out this analogy. Feelin’ good). So, maybe follow the same basic steps you would for anything else in life that often feels more stressful than it should (parties, making phone calls, ordering lunch). Do some preparation—which here, could mean anything from making sure your hair is how you like it to emptying your bladder. Indulge in your favorite anxiety-killing substance, and remind yourself that all the worst-case scenarios you’re imagining are nothing more than mean, elaborate fiction. If getting head makes you feel anxious or icky, trying to steamroll into a casual oral situation isn’t going to force you to blow past your fears—that’s not how fear works. Instead, it’ll just dial every panic you had way up, because you didn’t have time to address anything in advance. So, do what you need to make this actively relaxing and enjoyable, and don’t set the expectation that you should be “good to go” anywhere, anytime (who is?).
If we were talking about how to then ensure that the head you’re getting is actually good, I’d have another 20 pages to bore you with of pure gold for you. This is strictly for those of us out there who, no matter how badly we want the magical, otherworldly experience that oral sex was promised to be, find ourselves uncomfortable, overly aware of our bodies, and nowhere near close when it happens. Feeling sexy and wanted going into this goes a long way in making it a pleasurable experience—and if it still isn’t your thing, that’s totally fine too. If Charlotte York doesn’t need it, you don’t have to need it either.