How To Stay In Like A Betch

Every so often, a betch is tired of getting bottle service and cutting lines at clubs, and she decides she just wants to stay in.  We don’t mean staying in because there’s a snowstorm on a Monday night, but we mean when it’s a perfectly good night to go out but you just don’t fucking feel like it.

When a betch decides to stay in, she has to announce this to her bestie group chat. It will start with a group text like “what’s everyone doing tn?” to confirm that the group has no real plans that are worth feeling FOMO over.  Once it’s been decided, a betch will not change her mind – with the exception of if a friend’s response is that she’s going to see Beyonce and has an extra ticket or something.  After confirming nobody’s doing anything out of the ordinary, she’ll respond “think I might just stay in tn”, thereby making everyone reconsider whether they too, should stay in. A true betch knows that whatever party’s she’s missing by staying in can’t be that good anyway, because she’s not there. 

It’s important to know that staying in does not mean you have no options if you wanted to go out. If you’re staying in because you have nothing to do, then you’re not a betch. On any weekend night, a betch has at least 3 birthdays and 2 pregames that are begging her to grace them with her presence, not to mention getting texts from her promoter to pleading you to come out with your besties.

A betch staying in is not to be confused with the UGH, who is like, permanently stuck in pajamas watching Planet Earth with Mark (or was it Michael? I forget, he has like no personality). Staying in is like a golden ticket you get to cash in once in a while. Often times, a betch will stay in just before a big event like her birthday, to make sure that nobody (including herself) upstages the actual event with a crazy blackout right before.

When a betch stays in, she has several activities to choose from, including drinking Pinot Grigio, watching Arrested Development on Netflix, and sending Snapchats (#nomakeup) to her besties. Betches can also post one selfie to social media such as with her homecooked meal (“Blue Apron with the roommie! #SoDomestic“) to show how fucking chill she is that even though she’s not dancing on tables she is still having fun.

The key to staying in as a betch is to be confident that nobody is having fun without you.  And because you can’t help it you’re so popular, people will probably try to convince you to come out even though there’s no fucking way you’re going to. Just tell them you’re “not feeling well” and leave them wondering what they did wrong. Never mind your friends have all seen you rally to go out while sick with the flu – because if you want to stay in, you're fucking staying in.


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