How To Quarantine According To Your Zodiac Sign

Need help staying sane in quarantine? Join the f*cking club. As in all things, astrology is here to help guide you through quarantine and be the best socially distanced self you can be. The quarantine life is hard for everyone, but by knowing your sign’s particular needs and weaknesses, you can at least help to make things slightly better. Emphasis on the slightly.


Aries live their life in go-go-go mode, so what do you do when you’re not allowed to “go” anywhere? To Pinterest, of course! Aries is that person who loves starting things but hates finishing them, so chances are you’ll end quarantine with a room full of half-finished DIY projects and multiple domain names for the new soap-making company you’re going to start. (Once you learn to make soap, of course.) When you’re old and gray, you’ll look back on this period fondly as the time you almost learned how to sew a tote bag.


Okay, so nobody loves being in quarantine, but Taurus comes pretty damn close. Taurus was made to thrive at home with their creature comforts, and will be able to stay at home among their bath bombs for longer than most. But beware! As soon as your #1 takeout place/Amazon order/subscription box delivery is affected, routine-loving Taurus could go into full meltdown mode. But hey, at least you still have all those bath bombs.


Geminis are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication, meaning they love to share their ideas with the world. So how do they do that in quarantine? Social media, of course! Geminis are the sign most likely to let it all out on social, sharing memes, retweeting articles, posting thirst traps, and of course, going live for an audience of exactly one person (their mom). Then once this is all over they’ll delete it all and pretend it never happened.


Cancers derive most of their comfort from being around other ones which, depending on your quarantine situation, could be either good or bad for you. Cancer is that person who is constantly scheduling Zoom hangouts with increasingly niche groups of people just to feel like they have a “squad” again. Like, week one it was all your college besties, but by week eight you’re hitting up Natalie from second grade to see if she wants to join the “People Who Sat Near The Piano In Music Class.” No judgment.


Leos love dressing up and heading off for a night of trying to get attention. They’re that person in quarantine who still actually gets dressed every day, and who posts pictures on Instagram of things they “would have worn” on that day if literally every wedding/party/event/birthday hadn’t been canceled. As a Leo, you’re also not above posting an old picture you just “happened to find” to remind everyone of all the cute outfits you *would* be wearing if there was anyone outside to see them.


In some ways Virgos are made for this WFH life, and in other ways they f*cking hate it. Virgos need structure and might find themselves struggling under the new normal. You quarantine best while maintaining a rigid schedule for your day. That means getting up at normal work time, daily showers, and generally using the work day to… work. Your roommates may secretly call you a psycho in the group chat, but you’ll be the one laughing when you’ve worked out, eaten a balanced breakfast, and gotten to inbox zero before they’ve changed out of sweatpants.


As the most social sign in the Zodiac, this whole “social distancing” thing is hitting you hard. In addition to weekly Zoom hangs and FaceTimes, Libras will quarantine best if they focus their energy on beautifying their space. Libras love shiny objects and literally anything pretty, so now is the time to turn your home into an oasis fit for a 73 Questions Tour. With all the money you’re not spending on going out every night of the week, there’s sure to be some extra cash lying around for a soothing look at the Target Home Goods collection.


Scorpios love to go deep in a crisis, but there is such a thing as going too deep. Lovers of drama and mystery, Scorpios are the sign most likely to go on a coronavirus YouTube rabbit hole and come out the other end screaming at your roommate about 5G. You deal with anxiety by trying to explain the unexplainable, making you the sign most likely to forward a link about COVID and UFO sightings to the family chat. We all deal with anxiety in different ways. Just try to remember that memes and reputable scientific sources are two completely different things.


Sagittarius is known for its love of partying and travel, so chances are you’re not taking the news that summer 2020 is effectively canceled particularly well. You’re an adventurer by nature, so the best way to get through quarantine is to substitute physical adventures for an adventure…of the mind. I know, I know. That sounds corning as f*ck. But signing up for a class, trying to learn a new skill, or even just setting a goal of reading as many crime novels as humanly possible will give your quarantine purpose while you try to forget you should be at your aunt’s beach house this weekend.


Productivity-obsessed Capricorn needs to watch out that they don’t fall for all the productivity porn floating around online these days. No, you are not a failure if you don’t become a sous chef by the end of this, and it’s not okay to beat yourself up for not hitting 10k steps in your 800 square foot apartment. The only way you’ll get through this is by giving yourself a f*cking break, and doing things because you want to, not because you’re trying to keep up with some random chick on Instagram. Oh and that bread she’s posting probably tastes like sh*t, btw.


Aquarius is the humanitarian of the Zodiac, so don’t be surprised if you feel that part of yourself activated in a crisis. You’re that person who is out here cheering on healthcare workers every day at 7pm. You’re volunteering to bring groceries to those in need. You’re sewing masks for shelter dogs. You’re donating to your mutual aid network. In short, you’re better than us. Don’t rub it in.


Pisces love to chill, so this mandatory chill time comes somewhat naturally to them. You also have no problem going deep into the spiritual realm in times of crisis, whether that be by leaning on your own religious traditions or by stocking your corona bunker with crystals and essential oils. Whatever you choose, developing a spiritual practice will help you stay grounded through the crisis, and at the very least you’ll start actually using that meditation app you’ve been paying for since January.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.