How To: Pretend You Know How To Cook

If there is one thing that is a low priority for a betch, it's food. This is why a betch in the grocery store always looks confused and awkward; she's high and suddenly realizes she's made a huge error. Where the fuck is the string cheese? What is clamato juice…HOLY SHIT! We understand that other people learn the basics of cooking from their parents, but we really wouldn't know anything about that because all of our parents' parties are catered. Why would we learn how to cook for ourselves when there's always a very willing chef to do it for us? That just seems rude and frankly, ungrateful.  This drunk brunch is like, helping the economy right now. However, not having any idea how to make the simplest of meals just makes you look like an idiot. Sooo the grilled cheese – oven or toaster? It's def not the grill. Enter: pretending to know how to cook. 

Pretending to know how to cook is obviously way easier than learning how to cook, which is why we do it. We are already skilled at making shit up, now we just need to make shit up next to the refrigerator.  “Heating” becomes “preparing” and “adding salt and pepper” becomes “making from scratch.” It's all about specificity and, you know, dishonesty.

How a betch pretends to know how to cook breakfast: 

You can do it.

She throws some fruit in a bowl with yogurt and organic granola and calls it Ouzo Hangover Surprise or something. The more random the fruit the better. Bananas and strawberries = nice girl; kiwi and blackberries = betchy.

How a betch pretends to know how to cook lunch:

Um…do you really think we are going to make sandwiches? I mean… Lunch should be summed up in one word: Smoothies. If you put pineapple in a smoothie it really doesn't matter if your other ingredients are legos and cat litter, it's going to be delicious. Smoothies are how we eat obscene amounts of kale, and after we throw 3 raw almonds into it, we can say we're “getting protein.” 

How a betch pretends to know how to cook dinner:

At some point, a betch will find herself saying some shit like How hard can it be, like actually? and offer to cook dinner for a small group of her besties and their BFs. When this event occurs, she will always choose to cook the same thing – pasta. It doesn't matter that all of her guests would rather eat the silverware than fucking pasta. Pasta is the perfect food to serve when other people are actually going to consume what you cook because it does not run the risk of making anyone sick if you fuck it up. Also, even though all you have to do is boil a pot of water it still seems like you're doing something other than turning on the stove. Some betches will try to add meat, but usually we just steam some veggies because touching raw meat is disgusting and we're not trying to reenact Silence of the Lambs. 

Side note: If one of your besties is doing this, do yourself a favor and offer to help her shop/prepare. It is fucking hysterical. “What did you think TSP stood for?” “Uh, ten square pounds?” Cooking can get boring so don't be afraid to get wine drunk while you do it. It's like whatever because you'll just take a nap before the guests arrive or fall asleep on your salmon. NBD. 

Real talk: sauces are a bitch. We don't really want to fuck with anything where the main ingredients are butter and cream, but we're sure as shit not going to just heat up a jar of Prego. Instead, many betches will take the olive oil and red pepper route. Just serve lots of alcohol and no one will give a shit.

And I mean, when all else fails: salad.

So, although we have no idea how to prepare anything in a bowl that isn't weed, that doesn't keep us from pretending that we do. Bon apetit, betches.


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