How To Plan Your Wedding Without Going Insane

Brides, it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to free yourself from the empty apologies we’ve become accustomed to supplying, and more often than not, we don’t realize we’re apologizing. That’s true of life in general, but it’s especially true during wedding planning. You find yourself apologizing for the stupidest, mundane sh*t. Are you really sorry for emailing a question to a wedding vendor you’re paying? NO! Are you sorry for asking for a different size at the bridal boutique? NO! Are you sorry for asking your maid of honor for help? NO! And, you shouldn’t be sorry in any of those scenarios! But, giving up those apologies and replacing them with truth isn’t an easy task. It’s hard to stop giving a f*ck, because we’ve been conditioned to GAF our whole lives. But, you’re getting married now, so it’s time to graduate to the next phase of our lives.

Personally, I’ve adopted the old lady perspective. You know, the rambunctious old lady with purple speckled hair yelling at some poor bastard while shaking a bony finger? Her. She is everything. We’d be apologizing, while that old lady is speaking her mind unapologetically. And there’s beauty in that. She’s old, with zero f*cks to give, because she’s learned that it’s a hell of a lot easier to let sh*t go and stop apologizing. So, what if we adopted the “old lady” perspective in life and in wedding planning? The zero f*cks perspective? The stop apologizing perspective? Oh my God, imagine the possibilities.

It all comes down to perspective and hindsight. I already preach perspective on my podcast and blog, but man, I wish I could teach hindsight, and that you could learn from every single one of my wedding planning experiences. Not saying I’m some sort of genie, I’m just more experienced than you. I’ve planned a gazillion weddings to your one. I’ve dealt with bitchy bridesmaids, tyrannical mothers, horrid family members, and even a dog sh*tting on the dance floor. Yup! That silly dog sh*t on the dance floor, and I got to clean it up (I also re-frosted part of the wedding cake after a guest bumped into it at that same wedding!). So here’s a dose of hindsight (and perspective) that will help launch you into giving less f*cks while you plan your wedding:

1. Stop Apologizing


Be that old lady, but be kind. Kindness attracts kindness. If you’re nice to your mother, sister, brother, MOH, bridesmaids, vendors, etc., they will be nice to you. It’s very simple. But don’t apologize for wanting your wedding a certain way. If something is important to you and your significant other, then kindly express your feelings, unapologetically. The easiest way to shut down haters, disagreers, opinionated assholes, know-it-alls, etc., is to be firm and kind. However, if you lose that kindness and cross the line, it’s very hard to get back to good. So, be kind, but channel that old lady, and stop apologizing! Which leads me to my next point.

2. Tell The Truth


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Always gotta keep em on their toes | @emcrebbs

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The truth is always quicker. Don’t dance around some version of it, just own it. Planning your wedding is hard enough, but navigating through a web of lies and bullsh*t will make it that much more difficult, even if you had good intentions. I know it’s sometimes easier to lie to avoid hurting feelings or fragile egos, but it’s better to get it all out, honestly, than to keep up with your lies. Not inviting somebody to your wedding who is expecting an invitation? Talk about it before you send them out. Mom wants to invite all of her cousins to your intimate wedding? Speak your truth, and do your best to meet in the middle. The truth will save you a lot of time and hopefully a lot of anguish.

3. Know Your Limitations

Not a DIYer? Then don’t f*cking DIY. Don’t like being the center of attention? Then don’t bring your bridal party with you as you try on wedding dresses. No time to plan your wedding? Then hire a wedding planner. You get the point. The key to giving less f*cks is to set yourself up accordingly, to understand your limitations and to work/plan within your boundaries. You CAN do this, just be honest with yourself those around you.

4. Manage Your Expectations


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Great, another thing I don’t have time for | @katiemarovitch

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People don’t change. Don’t expect anybody to change because you’re getting married. It is not your fault that some folks won’t be excited or happy for you. It becomes your fault if you expect them to have a change of heart. Hopefully they will, but don’t count on it. And certainly don’t waste time caring about how they feel about you or your wedding. Weddings are joyful. Weddings honor and celebrate a couple who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together, and not everybody appreciates the enormity of the day or the magnitude of the union. So, f*ck ‘em, and move on.

5. Allow Yourself To Have Fun

Planning a wedding is hard work, but a lot of it is fun “work”. So embrace it! Have fun with it! It’s a day for celebration, so celebrate as you go! Take a step back to enjoy your friends and family, and be in the moment. Don’t just get through it, embrace the sh*t out of it!

When you find yourself struggling to keep it together, and the wedding planning is getting you down, I want you to take a step back and remember why you’re getting married in the first place. If that doesn’t center you, then think about what that old lady would do. Think about how she’d handle herself in your position, and adopt that “old lady” perspective. I’m guessing she’d probably be shaking her damn finger, demanding respect, and giving no f*cks while speaking her truth. Try it. It’s liberating.

Deborah DeFrancesco is the founder of Bitchless Bride the Podcast + Blog. With years of wedding planning and coaching experience, consider Bitchless Bride your wedding superhero, your inspiration board and your therapist. Her mother says she swears too much…

Images: betchesluvthis, betchesbrides (2) / Twitter; betchesbrides (2) / Instagram

Deborah DeFrancesco
Deborah DeFrancesco
Deborah DeFrancesco is the co-host of the I’m Not Sorry Podcast, a podcast for people looking for authentically relatable, mostly funny, and often inappropriate conversation. She and her writing partner, Kerri Tabasky, are forty-something, badass moms and they’re done apologizing. Their raw honesty, witty banter and humor about various topics from motherhood to guilty pleasures provides relatable, hilarious, and limitless material.