Summer is pretty much over, according to my lack of summer bod, and that means cuffing season is in full effect, which also means that the only thing worse than potentially catching the fucking plague or whatever other life-altering virus planet Earth will soon undoubtedly dig up this year, is catching the feelings bug *chills sent down spine*.
There’s nothing worse than realizing you’re well into a new season and you’ve wasted an entire summer hooking up with the same fuckwad for four months straight. Sure, you were on a steady diet of accessible dick, you scored a date to a baseball game that one time and you had someone to drunk text every weekend, but other than that, you’ve gained nothing but harbored feelings and maybe three pounds of water weight from masking your stress with vodka. Catching feelings is great for emotionally stable people who actually want to catch feelings, but just because you’re hooking up with someone doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to develop feelings. Like, I’d love to save my second marriage for wealth, but that doesn’t always mean it’s a good idea. So if you’re going to avoid catching anything from a fuckboy who was only meant to be a hookup, let it first be chlamydia, but mostly, avoid catching feelings at all costs. So here’s exactly what you need to do in order to not receive a text message at the end of winter saying, “I just don’t know what I want right now.”
1. Be Really Picky
Aka what I’m saying is to go against everything your mom told you not to do when dating because for one, this isn’t dating. And for two, Karen grew up during simpler times when “sliding” was a physical act of maneuvering down a giant play toy, and not a virtual thirst trap. Bitch.
This is the part where it’s socially acceptable to use his flaws as a means of distracting yourself from developing feelings, gag. Stick with your list of usual batshit unrealistic requirements and “hard no’s”, but maybe tack on a few physical things that completely irk you, like his abnormally hairy toes, or idk the way he drenches his body in Axe body spray like it’s insect repellent.
2. Have (Multiple) Backups
Let’s just get one thing straight: If you haven’t had the exclusive talk yet, *spoiler alert* you’re single. When committing to a hookup, you need solid reinforcements. Think of it like a sports roster. When you’re certain one player’s about to fuck up after three strikes, he becomes benched and the next best thing takes his place without any hesitation. This way, if Chad is taking 12 fucking years to text you back, it won’t even phase you because you’ll be too busy staging the perfect half-nude selfie for Dean. And say Alex decides to suddenly ghost you, you’ll have already run out of fucks to give because Jared’s on his way over as we speak.
3. Don’t Spend All Your Time Together
What were you doing with your weekends before you met this guy? Probably strategizing the best ways to day drink without napping and/or screaming at Netflix that YES YOU ARE STILL WATCHING, THX. One thing you weren’t doing was sitting at home waiting for a call, so don’t rely on him. If you really want to test out if absence actually does make the heart grow fonder, try actually being absent and watch yourself give less shits by the hour. Spending all your time with someone will just build up feelings, which scores you a one-way ticket into boyfriend territory. You’re better than that. Take up a hobby or something if you’re really that bored.
4. Put Down The Phone
This is just as bad, if not worse than hanging out IRL. When we’re feeling
drunk brave, we tend to say things we wouldn’t normally say in person, meaning that it’s so much easier to go stage-five psycho on his ass and interrogate him on who that girl was in his Snapchat, all while sitting behind a screen rather than in person. Speaking of which, stay off his social media page. Better yet, don’t even friend him until he requests to friend you first. He’s not your ex. You’ll drive yourself into a psych ward when you use his entire social media presence as a test to see if he’s actually telling the truth regarding his whereabouts. And so help me god, if you give out heart-eye emojis or your slutty bitmoji more than drunk Instagram likes, you’re just asking to get swerved.
5. Don’t Take Up All His Interests
Not to brag, but I have an uncanny ability to know every detail down to a guy’s favorite football team, his weird obsession with Aerosmith, and his awful choice in beer. I’m not saying it’s a gift, but like, I kinda am. Just because I know what he likes doesn’t mean I’m going to waste my time memorizing the starting lineup of his precious Raiders. Girls who take up the same interests as a guy are “nice” and nobody wants to be the nice girl who’s walked all over. If you find yourself trying to change something about you so that he may like you more, pop a Xanny and think about this: What will happen when you eventually call it quits? You’re stuck with overpriced sports memorabilia you’ll end up
lighting on fire donating to Good Will, and you spent what could’ve been drinking money on concert tickets to see some fossil named Bob Seger.
6. Avoid Telling Him Your Life Story
Save your best friend drama and how your parents’ divorce is the reason for your emotional unavailability for your fucking therapist. And since I’m assuming you don’t have a therapist since you’re currently reading an article on how to avoid any and all contact with your inner emotions, you probably should get a therapist. The more invested in each other’s lives you are, the more communication you have, and the more communication you have, the more of a connection there is, and the more fucked you’ll be when he decides to throw out the, “I don’t mind if you see other people” curve ball. Consider this your fair warning.