How To: Network Like A Betch

There comes a time in every betch’s life—usually right after college graduation—when she realizes that although she hates doing work, in order to stop her parents from bugging her she actually has to get a job so she can continue to not do work, but in a more corporate setting.

If your plan for getting a job is to blindly whore your resume out all over the internet, you’re doing it wrong. That doesn’t work. You’d have a better success rate throwing your resume and cover letter into a black hole or like,

This is where networking comes in. No betch wants to have to grab coffee with a stranger and pretend to have a genuine interest in their career path, but it’s a necessary evil. Think about it: let’s say hypothetically for some reason your friend group decides to branch out, and you have two potential new besties: a rando neither you nor your besties have ever heard of before, or your bestie’s camp friend who she can vouch is totally awesome and ridiculously fun…who would you go with? The choice is obvious. You go with the less random person; they’re way less likely to shoot up the office or like, bring carbs into the office.

Do: Ask your dad

Or uncle, aunt, bestie’s parents, etc. Older people are a lot wiser than you and they know way more people than you. That’s why their hair’s so big—it’s full of connections. As long as you don’t completely suck it’s perfectly acceptable for you to “casually” let it slip that you’re looking for a fashion merchandising internship. Better yet, just tell your mom and she’ll do all the lip service for you.

Don’t: Hook up with anyone you’re trying to “network” with. Looking at you, Blair!

Do: Hit Up Your School's Career Center

If your family can’t help you out, it’s time to look elsewhere. Themed parties aside, you def chose your school based on its name and roster of famous alumni, so don’t let all that networking potential go to waste. Go to the career center; it takes 30 minutes of your time and you’ll leave with a holy grail of people to email/grovel at their feet. You can even go hungover, whatevs. If you think your drug dealer has the hookup, just wait till you visit Beth at the career center. Think: binders full of well-connected people.

Don’t: Go to those “networking nights”

Or do, idgaf. The thing about those organized networking events though is that you’ll have to literally fight your way through a crowd of people and bust in on someone else’s conversation in hopes of finally talking to that alum who now writes for Scandal, and you have a better chance of Lindsay ever getting out of rehab than of him actually remembering who you are 25 minutes down the line. Might as well just sign up for The Hunger Games.

Do: Reach out to as many people as possible

Not everyone’s going to respond and even if they do, they might not know of any available opportunities. It’s like Tinder: the more you swipe right, the more matches you get. Or something like that, I haven’t been on Tinder in a while and I just swipe for fun anyway.

Don’t: Give your number out like it’s candy on Halloween

True story, one time I gave my number to a standup comedian in the hopes of networking my way into a show. Yes, I was drunk. He, in turn, tried to ask me out and then when I never answered, called me out at the next comedy show he performed in. He was gross and had neck tattoos and dressed like a hobo, so not one of my finer or betchier moments but I was like, “hey, all's fair in love and networking, right?” I could not have been more wrong. Moral of the story: be discriminatory with who you try to “network” with. Also if someone dresses like they don’t have a job that’s probably not the best person to try to hit up for a job.

Networking does require a little bit of work but it’s all in the name of not doing work, eventually. Like if you sacrifice the battle of putting in initial effort you can win the war of sitting at your desk and browsing Pinterest all day. Keep your eyes on the prize, betches.


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