How To Navigate The Bangover Bagel

Two weeks ago, things were simple. That one bro and you were exchanging occasional after dark texts along the lines of “Where are you?,” “Lets share an uber home” and “lfsahofN tonite dls u??.”

Cut and dry, you were drunk fuck buddies. But then, just when you were about to GTFO after hookup number 5, something besides his dick popped up one morning. He threw you a total curveball: “We should go get Einstein’s or something.”

Betch, don’t be mistaken. You just got invited to a bangover bagel. This is no ordinary hangover bagel. Much like a sober text or a marriage proposal, this means big things for you and your hookup status. As Taylor Swift would say, “everything has changed.”

The Taylors of the world would consider it pretty problematic that in this day and age, being bought a $2.64 bagel is a bigger indication of romantic feelings than having sex. That’s fair, but there are more important things in the world to get anxiety about. Betches know that at the end of the elusive orgasm, interaction with the opposite sex is about winning and losing. And you just got confirmation that you’re on the winning track.

Getting invited to a bangover bagel basically means that this bro is into you, like in the sense that he’d like to know what you do for a living and whether or not you eat carbs. For the critical moment in between “want to get breakfast” and your response, you are, without a doubt, in total control of this budding situationship.

If you say, “Uhm, you know, that sounds awesome but I actually had to get drunk brunch with my friends, like 10 minutes ago” you’ve just 1) nicely told the guy to fuck off and quit calling you 2) made the bro like you more and 3) won. Excellent strategy.

But if you’re in the rare mood for a bagel, lost your clutch the previous night so you could really use a ride home and also think that you might actually kind of like this dude, then you may choose to accept the breakfast offer. As long as you come off as a chill betch while you suck down your bloody and don’t say anything along the lines of “I wonder how many marriages have come out of breakfast first dates?” you still could keep the winning odds in your favor. Just, like, maybe go light on the cream cheese.


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