How To: Build Your College Schedule Around Drinking and Hangovers

For all the freshmen betches who are currently getting wasted at orientation week and obviously not thinking about classes, we thought we'd help make your life easier so that you can remain wasted for the next four years. The goal of college for every betch is to spend as much time as possible blacked out, not having sex with bros (sometimes), or getting high, and very little time actually working toward the degree which you'll obviously get anyway. Because it's possible to graduate with a D average and still get the same diploma as the valedictorian, the simple laws of efficiency dictate that doing #36 work in college is a waste of the time you could be using for worthwhile causes, such as building your drug tolerance or perfecting your blow-drying technique.

Your parents or an academic advisor might point out that the reason you're at college is to take classes, but we know the truth. It's kind of like the time you stopped by your frenemy's birthday pregame. You were trying to make yourself seem nice by going, when you were really just there for the alcohol. Classes/your frenemy are obvs the worst part of the pregame but they're also the reason it's happening.

Therefore it's necessary to enroll in some classes so you can continue using them as an excuse to not do anything else. I'm like soo busy with my one class on Tuesday! The first step in any successful college experience is picking your schedule, leaving yourself with an overwhelming amount of free time to do all the getting fucked up that we mentioned above.

  1. Never enroll in any attendance based classes. If you don't need to go it might as well not exist.
  2. No night classes or Friday classes, or anything before noon or after 4…so almost never.
  3. Never take a class without a friend, unless you plan on relying on yourself to do work, also known as educational suicide.
  4. Male professors > female professors (easier to manipulate, easier on the eyes).
  5. Never enroll in a class for which the description reads: Will explore female roles in society. This is code for: Taught by a femi-fascist lesbian professor who will fail you for being pretty. Not to mention you’ll have more luck finding a boyfriend at a shelter for battered women than in any class listed under gender studies.
  6. Prioritize classes that are popular with athletes. With more athletes in a class, there’s greater motivation to attend. Also they are probably dumb as fuck so you can copy off the homework that their tutor did for them.
  7. Small seminars are always a bad idea. You can’t fuck around on your computer the whole time and, seeing as you will be the hot girl who’s always late with the 32 oz iced coffee, they’ll always notice when you’re not there.

So betches, when you're miserable sitting in class because you failed to follow our guidelines just remember the golden rule in scheduling: you can always fucking drop it. There's nothing worse than showing up to a class you thought sounded easy and then finding out it isn't. Trust us, if we managed to get an A+ in a class called Cell Reproduction, Senescence and Destruction with no knowledge of biology, you can too. Senescence… like senile!


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