How To Make Extremely Low Cal Cucumber Salad

Like explorers searching for the fountain of youth and/or gold back in the day, betches are on a never-ending quest to eat food that has like zero calories yet leaves us satisfied and not scrounging for pizza later on.

We have a love hate relationship with veggies, since they can be super filling but super unsatisfying, which is sad. But as summer approaches, it’s time to just suck it up and eat your goddamn veggies unless you want to look like Meredith in that SAD SAD bikini with her hip fat hanging out and oh my god someone help her.

Call me out for fat shaming if you will (fight me), but I don’t think ANYONE wants to look shitty in a bikini. Blah blah acceptance. Anyway, to help you on your journey to an awesome beach body, here’s an (actually) really fucking great recipe for cucumber salad THAT ONLY HAS 38 CALORIES PER FUCKING SERVING (which is a fourth of the below) and that you can eat with lemon water and a cube of cheese.


  • 2 English cucumbers
  • 1 small red onion
  • 1 ½ tbsps kosher salt
  • 1 tbsp plus 1 tsp white wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp sugar (regular white shit, not fancy)
  • 2 tbsps fresh dill
  • 1 tbsp fresh mint

Remove the seeds from both cucumbers by slicing it down the middle then scooping them out. Feed to your dog. Thinly slice the cucumber from here. Also, thinly slice the onion.

In a colander over the sink, toss the cucumber and the onion with the salt and let it sit and drain for 20 mins. This is super fucking important otherwise your salad will be watery and strange. After the 20 mins, press the liquid out of the veggies and rinse the whole thing well with cold water … then like, press again a little.

In a medium bowl, combine the vinegar and sugar. Toss in the now dehydrated-ish veggies along with the dill and mint. Eat and bask in your beach body to come.


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