Have you ever found yourself watching Britney Spears’ “Toxic” music video and thinking, “Wow, I should totes join the Mile High Club”? Of course you have, you’re only human, babe. As a member of the club, I’m here to tell you all of the important tips if you’re dying to join. First, I have to tell you that initiation isn’t nearly as hot as when Britney rubbed her ass all over that guy’s d*ck in the airplane bathroom, but it is fun and exciting. Plus, it’s something you get to brag about and bring up constantly, which is what’s really important. Whether you’re playing it cool or bragging about it on your Instagram story for everyone to see, this will be one of your proudest achievements.
Literally not a soul:
Me: I’m actually in the Mile High Club, so000.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in, I’m here to help. My partner and I had joining the mile high club on our bucket list for a while, and now that we have been able to check it off, we want others to feel the same sense of accomplishment, adrenaline, and excruciating leg cramps.
1. Get On The Flight Attendants’ Good Side
Like anyone in customer service, flight attendants are often treated like sh*t. So, just like anyone who has ever worked in customer service, they are one hundred percent over everyone’s bullsh*t. The minute you walk on a plane, they have probably decided you’re just another whiney, high-maintenance bitch who requires two lemons for your sparkling water, and will hand them your dirty tissues when they come around to collect trash. Your job here is to prove them wrong. I mean, you should always be nice to flight attendants, but in this case you should really go the extra mile (heh). Be gracious, compliment their shoes, laugh at their jokes. This way, the people who could potentially get in the way of you joining the club may consider looking the other way.
2. Make A Plan
Even if you decide to embark on this journey with the hot stranger sitting next to you, you should work out an entrance and exit strategy before you dive in. You’ll have to go one at a time, and you’ll need a secret knock to make sure you know if it’s your teammate on the other side of the door. As for exiting, this depends on how much you care about shame. If you wanna make a dramatic exit and walk out together to let the entire flight know you just hit up the bone zone, have at it. I personally ran out and made my partner wait a few moments before following, but this is mostly because I was raised Catholic and am terrified of getting in trouble with the grown-ups, even as an adult woman.
3. Wait Until Most People Are Asleep
This is a lot easier if you are on 1) a long flight and 2) an overnight flight, but most people do fall asleep at some point during a flight. Pay attention to this, and at the moment when people start to go into their gross plane wine coma, make your move. During this time, flight attendants aren’t walking up and down the aisle as much, so it’s more likely that the coast will be clear. Plus, this will decrease the likelihood of other passengers getting up to use the bathroom and getting in the way of your fun. Let the nerds sleep while you become a new woman/man.
4. Don’t Expect The Sex To Be Good
I cannot stress this enough. Airplane bathrooms are small and smelly, and for some reason every inch of them is always covered in water. It’s not cute in there. There’s barely enough room for two people (this feels like an intentional attack), let alone enough room for two people to comfortably f*ck. You can either try to have sex on the toilet, which is kinda gross, or you can try to do it standing up, which is also uncomfortable. Expect a lot of maneuvering, bumping of knees, and moments when the d*ck just won’t stay in. Sadly, these probably aren’t sex positions that will lead to higher confidence, but you win some, you lose some. I would be impressed by anyone who climaxes during this trying time. For me, we considered it good once there was approximately 30 seconds of intercourse, high-fived, and then GTFO.
5. Tell All Your Friends
Congratulations, you are now officially a member of the Mile High Club, and are therefore given the right/privilege to ruin all social engagements by not shutting the f*ck up about it. Enjoy!
Any more questions? Hmu in the comments, and I’ll be happy to pretend that I’m an expert. Let me know if you’ve had any luck joining the Mile High Club, because hearing these stories really never gets old. Life is short, so why not have sex on a plane?
Images: NeONBRAND / Unsplash; Giphy (6)