How To: Go on Birthright Like a Betch

So Birthright registration starts today and that means one thing: JABS across the globe are scrambling to fill out their applications for a spot on one of Taglit-Birthright Israel’s summer ’14 trips.

Once scoring a coveted spot on the free 10 day adult teen tour that is Birthright, a betch will prepare to have the time of her life and come back so hopped up on Israel (after extending her trip to spend an extra week shopping and tanning in Tel Aviv) that her friends who haven’t gone yet will swear she was the victim of a Mugatu-esque brainwashing scheme to kill the prime minister of Malaysia talk about how she wants to move to Israel, her ‘most ah-mazing’ summer experience, and the hot soldier she made out with.

In order to prep for one of the best trips of your life, we’ve put together a handy guide for betches who want to experience all that Birthright has to offer while still understanding that it’s never acceptable to wear Teva’s in public.

DO haggle with the jewelry salesmen in the marketplace so you can get souvenirs for your besties. A friend who returns from Birthright with less than four evil eye necklaces is no friend at all.

DON’T be pissed off if you overpay for that unique hamsa bracelet that your friend bought for 80 shekels cheaper than you down the street. You’re an American girl. Chances are you can’t haggle for shit.

DO pretend You LOVE Kabbalah after meeting the seemingly tripped out Avraham Leventhal in the mystic town of Tzfat.

DON’T actually try and explain to anyone else what Kabbalah is. Despite the fact that Madonna, Britney, Lindsay Lohan, and Ashton Kutcher proclaim to love it, chances are they, just like you, don’t actually get what it actually is.  This however shouldn’t stop you from purchasing some chic artwork so you can pretend to know about Jewish mysticism. And wearing a red string.

DO hook up with the hottest guy on your trip and/or a soldier. If you’re not napping on the bus you should be making out on it. Five days after spending all of your time chilling with Jason and swooning over his frat stories from UMich and you’ll be legally wed by Birthright standards. Feel free to put out. This is Birthright so hooking up with your fellow tribe member is actually encouraged.

DON’T expect your hook up to be the best groomed. You’ve been wandering the desert for 10 days. Imagine the lack of brazilians Moses had to deal with after 40 years.

DO buy a neck pillow. There’s no nap like a post hike Birthright bus nap. DO take pictures of your besties drooling.

DON’T shave your legs before going into the Dead Sea. Sure it’s fun to spread mud all over your body and take jumping pics on the beach but the fun ends when you realize your pre-Birthright wax session has landed your vagina in what it feels like a deeper hell than the slaying of the first born.

DO party at the bars in Tel Aviv and at the Kibbutz.  The sick weather combined with the awesome nightlife will make you rethink your #3 abroad location choice.

DON’T be so hungover you can’t walk off your body weight in hummus that you were fed for breakfast.

DO bitch about waking up at 4 am to hike up Masada.

DON’T forget to Instagram a picture of sunrise yoga and ponder with your trip mates about what it must’ve been like to live up there without snapchat.

DO complain about having to cover your legs at the Kotel. Chances are you haven’t worn a skirt that went below your knees since your bat mitzvah service. Don’t worry, wrapping a scarf around your legs counts as covering them.

DON’T bitch for so long that everyone makes fun of you for being that jappy American girl. This is a great opportunity for you to practice pretending to be down to earth.

Really though – if you haven’t been on Birthright, rally some betches and make it happen.

You’ll thank us later.


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