Looking for a good mint jubilee recipe that doesn’t taste like straight up dick aka whisky. I want to look classy look the part you know when you think of mint you think it would taste like a mojito but is actually a mint jubilee?? Please help a sista out by Saturday so I can still be classy hosting and toasting a Derb party. Also maybe an article on what not to wear, caption so you don’t look basic..(talk derby to me Insta caption once more…)
I am looking for a mint julep recipe, but I do not know that’s what it is called. I would prefer it taste good, and not like a penis, which is what I think whiskey tastes like. [Unintelligible nonsense] Please help me, your fellow woman, to acquire such a recipe in time for my Kentucky Derby party this Saturday. Please also tell me what to wear, and what to post on social media so that people think I am cute, funny, and know the correct names for drinks. I do not have Google.
Dear Lizzie P,
You’re lucky we’re feeling so generous today and kudos to you for celebrating the whitest, richest sporting event there is. To reward you, your mint julep (what the fuck is a mint jubilee? Get your shit together) recipe is below. As far as it tasting like whiskey—well, it’s a fucking whiskey cocktail, so aside from watering it down with ice and mint there’s not a whole lot you can do. Suck it up. Also, I assume you may actually be from Kentucky based on your poor sentence structure. Good luck with that by Saturday. We’ve also listed out a few things to wear so you like, fit in.
Mint Julep Ingredients
· Handful of fresh mint
· 1 tsp. sugar (I guess more if you’re trying to drown out the whiskey)
· 3-4 oz. bourbon
Grab your pre-chilled old-fashioned glass or pewter cup and place 7-8 mint leaves in the bottom. Add the sugar over top, then start crushing with a muddler. Don’t go too crazy—just enough to really bruise the mint and smash some of the sugar.
Pack some finely cracked ice over top, then pour the bourbon over the top. Stir quickly until the whole glass gets super cold and frosts. Add a little mint on top and bam, mint julep.
What To Wear
Giant cute sunhats or classy fascinators: Go for something Kate Middleton wouldn’t be embarrassed of.
Classy sundresses: Banana Republic, Lily Pulitzer, Club Monaco, J.Crew, etc. all have some basic AND awesome shit, so choose wisely. Vineyard Vines is the official style of the Kentucky Derby. Check out their line here.
Strappy, cutesy heels: The key is being graceful—try these J. Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps which go with literally everything.
An outfit in which hat and dress work together: If one is loud and colorful, the other should be subdued, fucking duh.
Feathers: They’re allowed on cute hats.
What Not To Wear
Think of me as your personal Clinton Kelly, except I’m obviously not giving away a $5,000 Visa giftcard.
Denim anything: It’s social suicide.
Fugly wedges, gladiator heels, or sneakers: Just no.
Sequins: They’re unacceptable on anything for this event.
Shorts or a T-shirt in ANY fashion: The derby is a classy fucking event. Leave your garbage clothes at home.
Anything with a logo that isn’t associated with rich people: You know what we mean.
What To Put For Your Captions
Download Capgenius. You’re welcome.