Another season of The Bachelorette premiered last night, and I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Rachel left those fugly-ass mustard colored shorts at home. Though I would bet my brunch reservations that we have not seen the last of those monstrosities. My guess is she brings those out right before hometown dates as a test to see which of the men will break their ABC contracts to avoid being seen with a grown woman wearing yellow cut-offs. Smart, Rachel. V smart.
I will say that Rachel looked flawless last night. Like, if my life were as put together as those barrel curls then I would not be anonymously roasting people on the internet rn. Sighs. I guess we all have our crosses to bear. But back to Rachel looking fine AF. She chose to go the traditional Bachelorette route with classic barrel curls, glossy lips, and a dress that shines brighter than Nick’s dancing career. Which is really a relief because Nick’s season of The Bachelor was ratchet AF and I was low-key nervous that Christen might have DM’d Rachel on Instagram trying to make cheetah patterned headbands happen.
Stop trying to make animal print happen, CHRISTEN. It’s never going to happen. Now please go back to the suburban mall you crawled out of.
Thank GOD Rachel wasn’t led astray by
Nick’s rejects trolling for more Instagram followers any members of her squad. And because I’m literally obsessed with her look from last night I’ve detailed all the ways to steal her look so you too can be courted by tickle monsters and psychos who only speak to people through a doll. Blessings.
Rachel’s hair was on point last night and it was all because she brought out the classic barrel curls, a staple among the Bachelor Nation community. Barrel curls is a look that screams “I’m ready for love” or, more accurately, “I’m ready to spend the next 3-5 years swapping STD’s with failed cast members of a network reality show.” *cough* NICK *cough* If that’s what you want your hair to say about you too, then you should definitely invest in Hot Tools 1″ Flipperless Gold Curling Wand. It’s great for faking salon style hair (though no one tell my stylist Susi this, I’m worried she might tell the powers that be to make me wait another 3 months to book an appointment at that godforsaken place) and it’s got a ton of temperature settings so you won’t sabotage your hair.
If there’s one thing Bachelor Nation has taught me, it’s that you will never get any screen time with your own eyelashes. Nope, not gonna happen. If you want to make 31 men
embarrass themselves on national television fall in love with you after 3.5 seconds of meeting you, then you’re gonna need eyelash extensions. It’s the only way. Getting eyelash extensions is a process and there’s tons of shit that goes into choosing the best ones for you personally, but if you’re feeling the need to treat yourself waste your paycheck then you should def waste it on One Two Cosmetics magnetic lash extensions. They’re relatively cheap as far as eyelash extensions go and SUPER easy to use. Like, easy enough that even The Twins could figure it out, so there’s really no excuse not to buy this shit.
Night one every Bachelorette tries to play it safe with their makeup lest they scare any potential suitors off with a bold lip. It’s boring and safe but Chad would have murdered Jordan Rodgers and his whole family night one had he seen Jordan walking around with red lipstick all over his face. Your go-to is going to be L’ORÉAL Paris Infallible Never Fail Lipgloss. It’s not super pricey and its staying power is longer than that grotesque kiss Bryan, 37, Chiropractor gave Rachel.
THANK GOD someone gave this girl a stylist, because I was super nervous Rachel would fuck up her dress choice if left to her own devices. For a smart girl with a law degree she sure knows how to pick the cheapest dress in a department store clearance section. Case in point:
Is it a romper? A dress? A tribal printed garbage bag to match her suitors’ personalities? It’s really hard to tell. That being said, she chose a gorgeous—albeit basic—sparkly floor length gown that did not, shockingly, show off her cleavage but did show off the fact that she is classy AF. And because we don’t all have giant-ass mansions to test 31 men’s affection in, I’ve chosen a more casual version for you to use for your own purposes. This ASOS ‘90s inspired cami dress is perfect for a fancier date night or a Saturday DTF night, depending on what you’re into. Either way you’re going to look and feel like you’re better than everyone else and that’s really all you should strive for in an outfit.
And there you have it. You’re now ready for your own season of The Bachelorette, unless you don’t have enough of an Instagram following or you have more of a personality than a lightly salted cracker, in which case you’re just ready for Bumble. Similar to The Bachelorette, but with less dates that end in contractually obligated engagements and more dates ending in “would you like to split the bill?” May the odds be ever in your favor, ladies.