Were you watching TV this week and thinking, “not enough shows are talking about sex?” If so, I don’t know what shows you’re watching, but they sound fucking terrible. In any case, Shonda Rhimes is here to help you out with an episode literally entirely about sex. You’re welcome.
Annalise’s phone is ringing while she’s bleeding out on the floor, and she tries really hard to answer it because #priorities. It’s Nate calling, and based on the voicemail he leaves her he seems to know that something bad has happened. Why is Nate still in town and fraternizing with Annalise after she framed him and then got him acquitted for the murder of her husband? Good fucking question.
SEVEN WEEKS BEFORE
Annalise is at home, preparing for court the same way I used to study for finals: incoherent narration, steady drinking, and stopping at some point for a mad search for chocolate chip cookies.
After consuming what had to be a full fifth of plain vodka (shudders for the next 30 years) she passes out and wakes up to some loud sound downstairs. She yells, “I’ve got a gun” as if anyone in this town is dumb enough to try and murder Annalise Keating.
Her search leads her to the basement, and this is starting to look like some “The Tell-Tale Heart” bullshit.
Cue the arrival of Wes, who got the call to come save Annalise from her personal demons because Frank wasn’t answering and she was out of booze. It turns out the big bump in the night that was capable of waking her from her vodka-induced slumber was…a mouse. Wes does that thing that’s been happening a lot lately where he drops every ounce of emotion from his face before he says something sketch. This time, he kills the intruding mouse with a golf club “because it was suffering,” and you can almost hear your 11th grade English teacher screaming FORESHADOWING in the distance.
There’s some tension filled conversation, which I watched peaking out through my hands because at this point the prospect of these two boning has the same effect on me as the lead up to a horror movie reveal.
The class lesson that happens to be applicable to everyone’s lives this week is sex. Straight up, sex is written across the board. You know the writers were like “we could go for a drawn out metaphor, or……fuck it.” According to Annalise, sex has everything to do with law. I don’t know if that’s true, but it definitely has everything to do with attempting to fuck your law student. During her lesson, each student takes the time to reflect on their own sordid sex lives.
Michaela flashes to her and Levi hooking up, the guy who is definitely Eggs 911. She kicks him out of her apartment before they have sex because she’s “not a third date type of girl.” Dismembering a body and burning it in the woods to cover up your part in a murder? Chill. Having sex with a super hot guy you’ve been on three legit dates with after being engaged to a gay dude for God knows how long? Whoa, she has standards.
Asher goes to see Bonnie and offers her a trip to the zoo to see his elephant trunk, which is the lead up to what I can only imagine is some horrifying Dumbo themed sex and I honestly just can’t even deal with these two anymore. It’s like when you had to watch two weird ass band kids with overactive sex drives and zero qualms about PDA make out during lunch in high school. Part of you, a very small part of you, was happy they found love. But for the most part you were bitter that they had managed to figure out relationships before you could and furious that you had to bear witness to it. Just me? Cool.
Connor and Oliver are having a celebratory breakfast, in which Oliver insists he doesn’t blame Connor for his HIV, because there’s only one more day left in their 21-day medically mandated dry spell.
Frank, fresh from his rom-com caliber ultimatum, asks Laurel if she’s “ready to get to know him.” Laurel is pissed because she’s super down to get to know Frank biblically, but his personality seems like a lot more work.
All of these personal flashbacks lead up to the case of the episode, which is, you guessed it, about sex. A woman named Tanya is on trial for involuntary manslaughter via her vagina. She is accused of being too rough and killing a man during sex at her “holistic healing” sex party. Annalise sends her students out to track down attendees of the party and convince them to testify. It doesn’t go over well, to say the least.
Bonnie, the forever bearer of bad news, shows Annalise a tabloid cover of the murder twins in a very passionate looking embrace. She straight up storms into their home to call them incestuous shit bags, and the brother finally snaps and reminds her that she begged them to hire her, going so far as to trick their previous lawyer into fucking up and as her clients, they can literally fire her any time they like. I think Annalise sometimes forgets this fact in 99% of her cases.
The Keating Six (Asher actually gets to be involved for once) are sitting around discussing orgasms in their boss’ kitchen, as you do, at which point it is super awkwardly revealed that Michaela has NEVER HAD ONE. Wes’ reaction is all of us, which is to say incredibly uncomfortable, sad, and intrigued. It should speak to how cringe-worthy the situation is that even Asher remains silent. Annalise walks in and is like “This house was made for 3 things: solving cases, murdering husbands, and guzzling vodka. None of you are doing any of those so GTFO.”
Connor and Michaela go to one of the sex parties to “find a witness.” Michaela is there to find a witness and Connor is there to find Michaela an orgasm. GBF of the fucking year. After watching the season premiere of AHS I was ready for another orgy featuring Connor, Michaela and this wildly attractive racially ambiguous married couple, just with less murder. Probably. Not sure what this says about the state of network television, but that’s where we’re at.
They find out that Tanya switched sex cards to ensure that she would end up with the guy her vagina allegedly killed. When Annalise confronts her about it, she admits that she did switch the cards, but only because they were in love. This would have been a pretty solid defense strategy to use from the beginning in my humble opinion.
Tanya had given him some drug that causes heart attacks when mixed with Viagra, which she knew he was on, in the hopes that his wife would discover the affair and then leave him. Through her tears she tries to express that this was all done out of love, but Annalise isn’t having any of it. She calls Tanya a selfish whore (fair) and kicks her out of her office.
In a move straight out of high school, Laurel is getting to know Frank in a car parked on a dark street. In a move not straight out of high school, she is actually just getting to know him. She asks about his mom and dad and childhood and he cuts straight through the bullshit and tells her that it’s not all happy go-lucky memories. No one who has interacted with Frank for longer than six seconds would assume his closet is skeleton free, but apparently he thinks that’s the vibe he’s giving off. He bails on the conversation before he can delve into the past he considers too deep and dark for the girl who’s just spent four months covering up her role in a high-profile murder.
Asher is still in cahoots with Sinclair (the shrill ADA) and the noise in the house in the beginning of the episode was just him breaking in to steal the recorder Annalise was drunkenly rambling into. He tries to resign as her mole but she’s still dangling whatever went down at “Trotter Lake” over his head. Whatever it was has to be pretty serious, because Asher swallows his pride and seeks out his dad for help.
Despite hating her client, Annalise did not quit, probably because she rarely passes up an opportunity to ruin someone’s life in front of an audience. She stands up in court to let everyone know that instead of involuntary manslaughter, the charges should be bumped up to premeditated first-degree murder. Everyone is like “uh…who’s going to tell her she’s supposed to be defending her client,” but when Annalise calls the deceased’s wife up to the stand, it’s clear where she’s going with this approach.
When Tanya implores Bonnie to stop Annalise, she responds with the most accurate thing she’s said all season: no one stops her. It should probably just be the slogan for the show at this point.
The wife didn’t kill her husband by giving him drugs that she knew would cause a heart attack, but Annalise’s Legally Blonde inspired accusatory tirade was enough to convince them otherwise. Tanya is acquitted, and incredibly self-righteous about the method Annalise took to get there.
Tanya: How do you sleep at night?
Annalise: Alone. On very comfortable sheets. I like expensive bottles of vodka.
That needed zero embellishment. That is literally what Annalise Keating (my spirit animal) said.
The ADA is sending Asher blackmail photos of some blonde girl that I’m assuming died at Trotter Lake, and the perpetually insecure Bonnie instantly assumes its his secret girlfriend. What’s most annoying about all of it is that Bonnie, a supposedly brilliant lawyer, thinks that doucheface has enough game to maintain two girlfriends at the same time. He literally called his own dick an elephant trunk.
Asher, who is clearly spooked, rolls with it and they effectively break up. Bonnie plays it cool and then absolutely went home and devoured an entire tube of cookie dough.
Tanya has left a sex toy gift basket at Annalise’s office, which as everyone knows is the proper etiquette for showing gratitude to your legal team. After smacking each other with some dildos (for real) Connor shows off Levi to the rest of the group and Wes recognizes him from the photo in Rebecca’s stuff. He confronts Levi on his way to Michaela’s and it turns out that he is Rebecca’s previously unmentioned foster brother. Eggs was her childhood nickname, because you know how siblings do.
Levi thinks Rebecca is dead, and that either Wes or Annalise did it. Wes promises to keep his identity a secret from Michaela if he stays away from her. I think they struck up some kind of incredibly hot murder solving team just now, and I am 100% here for it. Why must all these attractive men flock to Rebecca who, in case we had all forgotten, was a literal piece of trash.
Bonnie and Laurel are drinking over their boy problems in some bar. I’m honestly not sure which of them is in the more unfortunate situation. Just kidding, it’s definitely Bonnie. Laurel fully invited her out to get her drunk and pump Frank for information out of her. Even in her state of extreme inebriation, Bonnie, who is surrounded by manipulators and liars 24/7, catches on.
We are gifted with Bonnie’s second bout of wisdom for the night: “Men lie to us, we don’t need to do it to each other.” Between this and Scream Queens, my TV schedule was full of women’s empowerment this week. No jokes. Go women. Fuck the patriarchy.
Frank finds out that the murder twins’ housemaid, Ms. Guthrie, is the one who leaked the photo of their tender incest to the cops. What’s most baffling about this whole episode is that people are shocked this was going on. I thought it was implied from the get go, but apparently the rest of viewing America doesn’t just jump to incest in their fan theories. My bad.
Ms. Gurthrie tells Annalise that she thinks the twins are guilty, which leads me to believe that she killed the parents and is attempting to frame them. It’s always the shady white lady.
Annalise, while attempting to work on a defense, stumbles upon her hidden invite to the sex party. She spends the next couple minutes getting ready and it looks like she’s actually going to go.
Right before they’re about to jump into each other’s butts, Connor decides to come clean about the sex party he attended. Except he has nothing to come clean about, because he didn’t do anything. Oliver laughs at him in an “ah yes, you are so fucking whipped,” way and then Conner calls him Ollie and my heart broke. This relationship is too precious, too pure, which means in the laws of Shondaland that it must suffer a sudden and painful death. The day that happens, don’t expect a recap because I will have drank myself into a coma.
Levi breaks his promise to Wes and goes to see Michaela, who decides she’s ready for sex/the first orgasm in her twenty-four years of life. She straight up tells him to get on his knees, and in this moment I am actually proud of her.
Annalise finished getting all dressed up to head over to…Nate’s. She blackmailed the police sergeant into offering him a job, which he turned down because he’s finally catching on to how things work in this show. An emotional exchange ensues: she misses him; he’s wounded and needs time. Um, this woman literally framed you for murder, you better need about 30 years to get over it.
Nate closes the door after Annalise leaves to reveal that WES HAD BEEN THERE THE ENTIRE TIME. Nate tells him “he’s in,” and oh my god these two are in cahoots, which means Wes definitely plays a part in Annalise getting shot. How many attractive men who hate Annalise will Wes team up with? Is he starting a club? Are there shirts? Can I have one?
Wes, Connor, Michaela and Laurel are running through the forest that surrounds this mansion when a car pulls up. They dive to the ground to hide before they realize its Nate, who tells them to get in the car before they all speed away.
My prediction: Ms. Guthrie, in the den, with the candlestick. Or gun. Whatever.