Last night was the season finale of How to Get Away with Murder. It was a two hour event, which is far too long of a period of time for the amount of adrenaline I was experiencing to be rushing through my body. At this point I kind of mentally prepare myself for Shonda finales the way I approach M. Night Shyamalan movies: the last 7 minutes are the only part that really matters, and you’re never going to guess it right. Ever. It’s very likely that a lot of you intended to watch it, but we’re too busy having existential crises over the color of the fucking dress (team gold and white), so we decided to recap the episode for you. As per usual, there were about a million plot lines happening at once, so here’s a breakdown of the important shit.
The first half of the episode dealt with a completely unnecessary story about a priest killing another priest. Literally everyone else’s lives are crumbling down, but we had to divert our attention to this bullshit case that even Annalise couldn’t pretend to care about, clearly evidenced by the fact that she lost for like, the first time ever. Deuces, father, that’s what you get for cheating on God with the church secretary.
Oliver makes Connor get tested, which is pretty valid considering his butthole receives more visitors per year than Disneyland. Connor was under the impression that sticking his dick into a stranger without protection wouldn’t result in AIDS, and had a bit of a meltdown when a nurse informed him otherwise. After much anticipation, we find out that Connor is clean but (spoiler of the year) Oliver is HIV positive, which leads me to believe that karma, in fact, is one giant fucking joke.
Bonnie and Asher continue to make the audience incredibly uncomfortable with their aggressively sexual relationship. Frank catches on, because he has eyes and is very familiar with the symptoms of fucking a law student. While trying to convince Frank to keep his mouth shut, Asher unknowingly reveals the relationship to the entire practice, who were once again meeting in secret to commit illegal activities behind his back. Classic.
Nate is still in jail and Annalise is still trying to help him out while making it look like she’s completely fucking him over. In the end, because she’s Annalise Keating and the law exists merely at her whimsy, she gets him out on bail. Nate finally realizes that she might be the leader of the Illuminati and should just follow her lead at this point, so he calls the number she gave him for help.
Mikayla finally reveals that her gay fiancé dumped her, and being good friends/murder buddies, no one gives her any shit for it. She goes to lunch with her almost-mother-in-law, assuming she’ll be asked to return the engagement ring she lost in the woods while dismembering her boss’ husband. Casual. Instead, Aiden’s mom begs Mikayla to marry her incredibly gay son because apparently a murdering backwater bayou trash daughter-in-law is preferable to a gay son-in-law. Mikayla adopts an accent to tell Aiden’s mom to go fuck herself, and then promptly leaves. It’s probably the first badass thing she’s done all season.
Now to the important shit. Wes has finally reached the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, his drug dealing girlfriend, who has been ruining literally everything since the second she showed up, might be bad news. Only the best and brightest get into law school, clearly. He spends the majority of the episode trying to figure out if she actually killed Lila, which is really just beating a dead fucking horse at this point. It would also be unfortunate for a lot of reasons if she had, the most prevalent being that they framed Sam for the murder and then killed him to protect Rebecca. Oopsies. Wes teams up with Laurel, because if Team Underdog is good at anything it’s lying and manipulation. Mikayla and Connor catch on to these not-so secretive pow-wows, and get Laurel and Wes to confess. This leads to a dramatic series of events in which they confront Rebecca, she threatens to blackmail all of them, and then they kidnap her and take her to Annalise’s place. If you’re ever going to commit a series of illicit and illegal crimes, make sure you do it in your boss’ home which also doubles as a fucking law office.
Throughout this episode, there are a series of flashbacks to the night Lila died, all leading up to who really killed her. The entire thing is set up to make the audience think it was Rebecca, who fully looked like she was about to pull a single white female on Lila, who also turned out to be a little bat shit. Paired with the fact that, present day, she’s tied up in the basement of Annalise’s home while everyone tries to figure out what the fuck is going on, Rebecca is starting to look pretty guilty. They end up sending Wes down to interrogate her, because if she’s going to open up to anyone at this point, it’s the boyfriend who kidnapped her and accused her of murder, again. It turns out that she did lie about everything that night. Cue the lack of surprise from literally everyone.
Simplified: Rebecca went back to Lila’s sorority to apologize for having sex with Griffin, even though she tricked Lila into walking in on them. Tangent: has no one involved in this show ever been to a fucking sorority house. Drug dealers, boyfriends, and middle-aged professors don’t just get to walk around willy nilly. There are visitors’ hours. There are door codes. There are 50 fucking girls living there. Throughout this entire ridiculous show, the most unrealistic aspect is that not one single person noticed THREE SEPARATE PEOPLE, two of which were high out of their minds on PCP, walk through the house, up to the roof, and back out. Okay. Rant done. She goes up to the roof, sees a single hair of Lila’s on the water tower, and decides to investigate. Detective Rebecca opens up the lid, which probably should have been locked but whatever, and sees Lila floating in the water. Like a good friend, she climbs in and swims around for a bit to make herself seem less suspicious. Later, when Rebecca returns to her apartment soaking wet the night a girl was found dead in a water tower, her neighbor Rudy has the misfortune of seeing her. To cover her tracks, Rebecca gives him the equivalent of what appeared to be bath salts, which causes him to lose his mind and get shipped off to a mental institution. Wasn’t the first step to “getting away with murder” to discredit the witness? Why is Rebecca the best lawyer in the group of actual law students?
So Wes goes upstairs to relay this story and is like “my bad guys, takesies backsies?” Everyone screams at him, the first sensible thing to happen all episode, except Annalise (because I swear to God they are secretly fucking). In her role of cool mom of the year, Annalise goes down to apologize for the petty kidnapping that took place in the hopes that Rebecca won’t turn all their asses into the police. But wait for it….REBECCA IS GONE.
LAST FLASHBACK: Sam is on the roof with Lila, still alive, and tell hers he’s choosing her over Annalise. He leaves to “dump his wife,” but in this case “dump his wife” actually means to call his hit man who “owes him for something.” The hit man, who then murders Lila and dumps her in the water tower, turns out to be none other than….FRANK. What?? The questionable only non-lawyer in the practice with a Jersey accent who has been planting evidence all season and offering to “take care of things” left and right is a hit man?? It was so obvious, I’m actually furious that this didn’t occur to me earlier.
Back to the future: Wes is sobbing in Annalise’s lap over the fact that he’s most definitely doomed them all to a lifetime in jail, and it’s a 50/50 toss up the whole time whether or not they’re about to make out (they don’t). Annalise promises to take care of Wes (winky face) and he leaves. Once he’s gone, she makes her way down to the shady basement where Frank is waiting, and also probably lives. Actual transcript of the convo:
Annalise: So was it you?
Frank: Nahhh, I ain’t that kind of guy (turn to stare suggestively into the camera like he’s on The Office). Was it you?
Annalise: Fuck, no.
*Camera pans to a dead Rebecca in the corner*
Which means the entirety of season two will be spent figuring out who killed her. My money is on Wes. Thus ending the recap that was just about as long as the actual show.