To be blunt, my face is my most prized possession. It’s the only thing that has gotten me this far in life. With or without pounds of makeup, I care for it as much as I do for like, my dog—which is more than I do for any person, ever. I would be nothing without my high-status man candy, technically good physique flawless skin, and army of skanks evil band of *loyal* Instagram followers. Which is why when I notice the slightest of breakouts, I run to the nearest Walgreens and buy every fucking overpriced face wash/cream/moisturizer on the market. But, like other times I (appropriately) acted irrationally, I usually hate myself for being so god damn impulsive and spending my entire paycheck in one sitting for a bunch of shit that doesn’t even work. IDK, maybe there should’ve been a self-control course in college. No one cares why x+y=z and other lame ass bullshit that doesn’t make sense.
Attempting to learn something (for once in my life), I’ve taught myself how to be resourceful by using water as a chaser food in my kitchen as a remedy for all of my facial flaws. If this means having my face smell like a foot or avocado toast, then so fucking be it. I’m saving money by not leaving my house. What’s there to complain about? Here are common foods probably in your cabinet or fridge that will do wonders for your skin (you’re fucking welcome).
Lemon
Lemons are the answer to most of life’s problems like providing us with good cocktails and catchy album titles. Well, who fucking knew it could benefit your face too? To reduce redness, excess oil, and light scarring, apply fresh lemon juice to targeted areas with a cotton ball. NGL, it may sting just a tad, but let those juices flow, GF.
Unsweetened Plain Yogurt
Okay, this is probably a little far-fetched being that no fucking normal person nonchalantly has plain unsweetened yogurt chilling in their fridge. Unless you’re into like, diets and being healthy. Whatever the fuck that means. In this case, you may have to buy some to not only impress your skinny snobby friends, but also to slab on your face. Ingredients such as lactic acid and zinc help moisturize your face. They fight aging and prevent nasty-ass wrinkles. You’ll always be 25 on the outside if you use enough.
Raw Honey
Don’t be lazy with this one. Finding an unprocessed, natural, pure honey is most likely found at a local farmers market or hipster grocery store (aka Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods). It’s important to find one without sugary loaded shit—aka that shit that comes in the bear bottle at your grocery store won’t cut it. Apply to only affected areas to reduce swelling and prevent infection. Wash off thoroughly after your desired time because like, do I really need to explain why?
Tomatoes
Ever wondered how to get rid of vomit-inducing blackheads? Grind or blend a few tomatoes until they become a paste. Apply it as a facial mask after washing your face to unclog your pores and serve as an exfoliant. Fresh tomatoes reduce oil and prevent blackheads.
Avocado
Life tip: If you have avocado at home already, guac isn’t extra for you!! You go, Glen Coco. I know you don’t really need another reason to have/eat avocado, but either option is fantastic for your skin. Applying avocado directly onto your face keeps it looking nourished and radiant. If you have a sunburn, apply to the affected area to rid dead skin cells and protect from sun damage.
Oats
All around, oats are pretty fucking great for your skin. Even for the most sensitive skin types, oats relieve itchiness, reduce swelling, and lock in natural moisture. Use as a paste or grind for a loose powder. Oats are especially ideal for those who are prone to allergies or skin conditions such as eczema or psoriasis.
Bananas
Whether you use its peel or mash it up, applying fresh bananas give life to any dull complexion. The shit ton of vitamins and potassium provide soft, glowing skin to make you look as young as the first time you got a fake ID. FYI, if you rub a banana peel along your teeth, your teeth will have a fab glow-up too.
Cucumber
I mean, fucking duh. Everybody in the English-speaking world knows the penis-looking veggie does some common good for your face. Although they’re literally like, water, placing cucumbers on your eyes reduces puffiness and dark circles because what is sleep anymore. If you’re suffering from an allergic reaction or type of skin irritation, apply to the specific area for cooling and relieving purposes.
