The Super Bowl is coming and, while we have to pretend to care about the goddamn Patriots AGAIN, we can at least distract ourselves with yummy food.
But don’t get too fucking distracted; you could end up eating 4,000 calories if you aren’t careful, and no one likes a beached whale. Here are our foolproof pointers for what you can and can’t eat during this year’s assortment of Super Bowl parties. Good luck out there.
1. Chips And Salsa—Not Chips And Dip
It’s a thin line, but it’s fucking there. If you MUST partake in a salty snack, skip the onion dip and chips (yes, even if they’re fucking baked) and opt for the tortilla dips and salsa. Six tablespoons of salsa will set you back about 45 calories, while six tablespoons of onion dip will set you back about 180 calories. Add in a handful of greasy potato chips and you may as well dive head first into a box of Twinkies.
2. Always Skip The Wings
Yes, even though you’re thinking “omg they’re so little,” did you know that ONE buffalo chicken wing would require you running the length of a football field 12 times to burn off? Yeah. Let that sink in. If you MUST have wings, opt for original—NEVER go for the garlic-parmesan-teriyaki-whatever or boneless. They’re heavier in calories and salt than most basic wings. Plus, the bone-in wings force you to eat more slowly, letting you really think about the amount of calories you’re putting into your body. Hooray.
3. Choose Liquor Over Beer
Obvs you’re going to drink, so opt for something like a vodka soda over a heavy beer. You’ll be forced to sip in order to avoid blacking out, AND you won’t have to deal with a beer gut/bloaty-farty feelings later. If liquor isn’t on the menu, opt for a light beer.
You need them? Then pick from the bottom of the pile. This will limit your cheese intake and cut some calories. Also, grab some jalapeños, because spice equals faster metabolism.
5. Load Up On Veggies As Soon As You Walk In
We obviously all know you should stand next to the veggie tray, but we know eating only vegetables for a fucking four hour game is cruel and unusual. Instead, as soon as you get to the party, load up on as many veggies as you can without looking like a weirdo. Then, chug a ton of water. Wait about a half hour, then you can indulge…a little. The veggies and water will fill your stomach with good things so as to combat your ability to eat shit you shouldn’t.
6. Subs And Sandwiches
These are usually around during Super Bowl parties. If they are, opt for the one on whole wheat with no mayo and lots of meat. Shit, pile a few celery sticks and carrots on there so as to fill up faster. Oh, and remove the cheese. Sorry. You could also remove all the bread and roll the meat and cheese around celery/carrot sticks. Sure, you’ll look like a fucking weirdo, but at least you aren’t eating carbs.