How To Deal With Your Shitty Freshman Dorm

Living large has been our motto since before we could say, “Mommy, I want a Gucci onesie” or “Daddy, I need that Mercedes toy car.” Not that we ever really needed to ask since these things were just handed straight into our chubby hands.

Well here’s a news flash to the betches about to head off to college: shit changes.

Yes, finally moving out of the house and away from mom and dad’s watchful gaze definitely has its perks. You can now black out on the reg without getting your Amex taken away. You can now dance on that table in your college town bar every night of the week. You still can’t go home with that creepy backburner bro that has had his eyes all over your size 000 (yes J Crew just officially made that a thing) ass.


What soon-to-be college betches don’t really take under consideration when move in nears at the end of August is your freshman residence hall. While visions of free vodka tonics (the bartender knows you’re hot) on Tuesday nights and sorority recruitment dance in their pretty little highlighted heads, they don’t realize they will be basically living in a jail cell for the next nine months.

No matter how much PB Teen dorm shit you buy, your freshman door will still be hideous. The cinderblock walls won’t hold up your picture collages of all your skinny, hot high school friends. The twin size bed (even with 3 Egyptian cotton mattress pads) will still be a brick compared to your Cloud king sized bed at home. All of this and we haven’t even gotten to discussing your freshman roommate.

The first college roommate is another story completely (just because there are so many variations of your potential BFF or psycho bitch), but try holding out sex with a bro in your tiny ass bed while this bitch sleeps 3 feet away from you. Enough said. You won’t even get past taking your shirt off.

On top of your roomie dilemma, you’re going to be living with around 20 other college newbies that you are forced to call your “floormates” when in all honesty about 90% of them are the least betchy people you will ever encounter in your life. Especially those in-state kids. Would it kill you to stop giving me those dirty looks every night I come home blackout? Sorry I would still be a 10 even in a potato sack.

Then there is the RA. If you are an RA, I’m sorry, but you just suck by definition. Your job is to attempt to control me in some capacity so that I don’t die from alcohol poisoning or light my room on fire with my Voluspa candle. But even my parents gave up at trying to do this, so why should someone who is probably only a year older than me try to break up my 20 person pregame I’m hosting? HELLO I’M MAKING NEW FRIENDS – isn’t that what college is all about?

Then there is sucky water pressure in the communal showers (what is this- Communist Russia? Nothing in life should be COMMUNAL), slow ass elevators, quiet hour regulations, endless dorm room restrictions, and the ugly nerd down the hall who thinks he stands a chance.

Don’t get me wrong – your freshman year of college will by no doubt be one of the craziest and greatest years of your entire life. Binge-drinking is not at all frowned upon, but encouraged this year so what more do you need? Just know that your living situation is going to be flipped upside down. You are forced to live with the plebeians of college society because it’s not like you can choose your entire floor by good looks and alcohol tolerance.  

But don’t worry – it’s just one year and a true betch can weather the storm. Sophomore year you will be able to surround yourself by fellow hot betches and all will be well again. Unless that ugly nerd develops some stalker tendencies that carry over in which case, you’re shit out of luck.


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