Every guy has at least one psycho ex and if you think the last guy you dated never had one then—surprise!—it’s you. But if the guy you’re seeing has mentioned his crazy ex, first take comfort in knowing you’re sane, for now. Next, if that bitch really is cray, she’s probably already stalked your life and at some point you may have to interact with her in one way or another.
Here is how you do it without becoming the new new psycho ex:
Before all else, vet the guy. If you met him at a bar like last weekend and he’s already telling you how his “certifiably nuts ex-girlfriend” keeps showing up at his house unannounced to make breakfast, take these anecdotes like your tequila: with a few grains of salt. Ask yourself, “is she really crazy, or is he just an asshole?” If it’s your first date and the guy claims his “ex” is blowing up his phone like it’s the movie theater at the end of Inglorious Basterds, it’s possible one of them doesn’t know they’re broken up (in this case, her) and he’s shadier than the giving tree.
Now if you’ve been able to ascertain that she is, in fact, Courtney Love level crazy, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
If you meet in person:
For all intents and purposes, you are a woman or child in a strict 1950’s household: you do not speak unless spoken to. If you have to talk to her, be fake nice like your life depends on it, because quite frankly it might actually depend on it. There’s one person you don’t want on your bad side and that’s the BSCB, especially one with jealousy issues who tbh probably already hates you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns, so don’t give her another reason to key your BMW.
If she friends you on Facebook:
She knows who you are, where you live, and possibly your phone number—and that’s all shit she gleaned straight off your profile; imagine what she’ll find with a simple Google search. Pretty sure Catch-22 was written about this predicament: If you deny her request you’ll seem like a huge bitch or worse, like you actually give a shit. On the other hand if you friend her, you’re opening yourself up to a fucking Pandora’s box of potential liability since BSCE (bat shit crazy exes) are as predictable as Alec Baldwin’s next public outburst. Who knows, she could compliment how gorg you look in your prof pic; do nothing; OR she could tag you in a status about how you gave her AIDS, stole her credit card, and killed her dog. Your best bet is to let the request chill in Purgatory until the end of time or until she forgets it’s there and you can casually delete it without causing a shit storm, whichever comes first (probably the end of time).
If she follows you on Insta or Twitter:
Lucky betch, you got it easy. You can totally not follow her back without causing WWIII. Just don’t start flaunting pics of you and your new guy for the sole purpose of pissing her off, you’re not 15 and this isn’t “Misery Business.” Keep it classy.
If she tries to actually be friends with you:
If she spreads a horrible rumor that you gave her AIDS, stole her credit card, and killed her dog:
Always take the high road; this move is more transparent than that lace leotard you got at American Apparel and odds are everyone else sees it, too. Ignore it and you can laugh about it when it all blows over—who are we kidding? You and your 56 closest friends are prob already dying in your group text.
Make no mistake, crazy exes suck. At the same time it takes 2 to tango so unless she’s threatening his life, no guy HAS to stay in contact with someone he’s no longer fucking. If she’s going all Carrie Underwood in “Before He Cheats” on his life while he contemplates police protection, that’s one thing. But if he’s still responding to her texts regularly/humoring her delusions, for whatever the reason, it’s time you cast a side-eye in his direction.