How to: Deal with a Dick Pic

Dick pics can strike at any time, and usually come with very little warning. They could be as simple as an Anthony Weiner-esque boner-through-underwear shot or a full on craigslist casual encounters-style dick-and-balls-in-your-face. They often leave you full of questions like, “Who the fuck would think I'd want to receive a blurry penis shot while I'm in the middle of watching RHOBH?” and “Am I supposed to be turned on by this?

Type 1: Dude You're Hooking Up with Taking it Way Too Far

Your instinct here might be to tell yourself that maybe something, somewhere in your text convo indicated to this dude that you'd be really into a random, no context picture of his penis.

No. Wrong. Never.

We're all feminists now thanks to Beyoncé and that African lady on Flawless, and this is a classic example of what feminists call “victim blaming.” The truth is, there is literally no reason why a dude should text you a picture of his dick unless the text right before it reads, “I would like you to send me a picture of your dick.

If you genuinely like this bro outside of the fact that he dick pic-ed you, have an honest conversation with yourself about the types of guys you're into. If you still feel like this bro isn't a total douchebag it's time to sit this him down and hit him with the cold-hard-truth: betches don't feel about dicks the same way that bros feel about boobs. Bros love boobs. It'd be hard to find a bro who wouldn't love an unsolicited picture of your tits in the middle of the day, which is probably why they get confused and think betches want the same in return. In reality, after the initial hook up establishes that 1) he has a penis and 2) it works, betches don't really need to see that shit again.

Type 2: Dude You Met at the Club One Time Who is Clearly Fucking Nuts

You know this dude. You met him one time at a club, drunkenly gave him your number, and now on any given night you can expect a text from him. It doesn't matter that the two of you never hooked up. It doesn't matter that you actually haven't answered one of his texts since 2010. He's going to text you, and for some strange reason thinks that you're totally into it.

This type of interaction leads almost inevitably to a steamy, late-night, summer dick pic that he probably took in the bathroom stall at some bar and seriously makes you reconsider the future of humanity.

Luckily, a betch's number one bestie (her iphone) has come to the rescue to combat this particular type of dick pic by allowing you to quickly block this creeper's number right there on his contact page. If you don't have an iPhone, fucking go out and get one. It's this kind of weird ass behavior that is making dudes think you would be super into seeing a picture of their boners.

Seriously, I don't have stats on this, but I'm pretty sure 90% of dick pics are sent on an Android (the other 10% are divided between Samsung Galaxy and old as fuck flip phones that make all pics show up as being sent from an email address.)

Type 3: Ex Boyfriend's Misguided Attempt to Get You Back

If this didn't work when Biebs did it to Selena Gomez, there is no reason why any other bro should think this is gonna work when he does it to you. The course of action here is fairly straight forward. Respond to his text with a vid of you laughing your ass off and forward the pic to all of your besties. Instagram it if you're feeling nasty. Problem solved.

Honorable Mention: Random Dick Pic Group Text

During my extensive research for this article I made an astounding discovery: many, many girls have received an anonymous dick pic group text that included themselves and the other hottest girls in their friend circle. This type of dick pic is a total fucking mystery, especially since any response to said penis went unanswered. My best guess is that this is some sad bro that is close enough to your friend circle to know that he wants to fuck all of you but too fucking weird and lame to actually ever get the opportunity to show you his penis in person. This type of dick pic, sadly, has no response. Just be happy that you have your besties around you for support laughs and shit talking when it happens.


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