The birthday of every betch’s main bestie is upon us: that’s right, America. Although ‘Murica’s birthday party is a lot like your other besties’ because you’re expected to get fucked up beyond belief, the main difference is that the former not only has food, but is literally built on the principle of eating to the point of near-explosion. Not to mention Americans are expected to consume twice their daily allotment of carbs worth of beer in the name of freedom, and the 4th of July has the potential to really go downhill for the average betch. Who in their right mind would have put such a high-calorie holiday in the middle of bikini season? Thanks a lot, Washington.
Thankfully there are steps you as a betch can take to have an awesome (read: not sober) 4th of July without being a total fatass.