How Mercury Retrograde Will Affect Every Zodiac Sign

On November 16th, Mercury the messenger, the gossip-loving and cosmic trickster planet, began its backwards journey through spontaneous Sagittarius. TBH, Mercury in Sagittarius is almost too optimistic, let alone when in retrograde. For instance, Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius arrived just in time for the holidays, and well, if you weren’t scrambling for last-minute Thanksgiving details, bickering with your relatives, or running into Black Friday drama in the customer service line at the mall, then I guess you could say you survived the first half of this rowdy retrograde cycle. But don’t get too excited, betch. Mercury will be in retrograde through December 6th, and if you thought its moonwalk through Sagittarius was rough, just wait until it slides back into Scorpio’s vengeful waters. This transition isn’t going to be a smooth one. Remember, Sagittarius has no filter, as opposed to Scorpio, who is secretive, not to mention borderline paranoid. Meaning, if you’re not selective with your words, schedule, and general exchanges, you could come face-to-face with Mercury in Scorpio’s wrath. Remember the movie Bring It On? Well, Mercury retrograde enters Scorpio on Dec 1, and “whoever drops the spirit stick goes to Hades.” Capeesh? Nevertheless, these are your Mercury retrograde horoscopes.


Planning to get away for the holidays, Aries darling? Whatever you do, make sure you double and triple check your travel itinerary, as mischievous Mercury may or may not delay the process. TBH, this all depends on your impulsive decision-making and chronic ADHD. I know you’re totally stoked for the festivities this year, but you can’t rush through the planning process. Patience is a virtue, betch. In fact, you’ll want to pay close attention to the details, as Mercury retrograde in Scorpio might teach you a thing or two about your current relationships, or perhaps “friend with benefits.” Are you communicating in order to get what you deserve? Or are you letting your pride speak for itself?


Jealous much? Mercury is traveling backwards through Sagittarius and your shady eighth house of taxes, intimate unions, and of course, sexy time. Not sure if you’ve been keeping tabs on your ex, but do yourself a favor, and leave the past in the past, betch. In fact, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re in desperate need of some alone time, Taurus dear. Perhaps a spa day? Besides, once Mercury slides back into Scorpio and your seventh house of partnerships, you’ll have a few talking points to discuss with your boo thang, or your sh*t-talking coworker. In other words, stop being so stubborn, and say what’s on your mind. You’ll thank me later.


Let me guess. Your ruling planet isn’t the only one that’s retrograde these days, huh? Hang in there, Gemini. The cosmic chaos will be over soon enough, I promise you. Although, in the meantime, I highly suggest you take a closer look at your emails, text messages, and missed call list. How are you communicating, and with who? In fact, you might wanna ask your SO the same question. Is something not adding up? Mercury retrograde in Sagittarius will shake up your seventh house of relationships through December 1st, until it slides back into smoldering Scorpio, and your practical sixth house of health, routine, and all things OCD. Don’t overthink it. Call up your girls, and head to pilates for some much-needed de-stressing.


Take it easy, betch. You’re biting off way more than you can chew, and trust me, you’re going to regret it later. As of right now, Mercury is doing the moonwalk through your tedious AF sixth house of OCD, health, and day-to-day routine. Although, fact is, you’re way too emotional to handle all the details coming your way, Cancer. Your ever-changing moods may or may not get the best of you, so quit while you’re ahead. On another note, the messenger planet slides into Scorpio, and your fifth house of romance and creative expression on December 1st. Is there a new muse on the horizon? You might not be in the mood to create—but not for long, as Mercury will finally station direct on December 6th.


He loves you, he loves you not. Who are you kidding? You already know what time it is, but with Mercury retrograde shaking up your fifth house of romance and creative expression, you could be second-guessing yourself, and that’s not really your style. On another note, however, be extra careful with your sexy selfie archive, not to mention that toxic side fling. Exes could suddenly turn up, and who knows, you might finally get some closure. Mercury retrograde will slide into Scorpio, and your domestic fourth house on December 1st. Think about it this way: will your family members approve of your new SO?


What do you want me to tell you? Your ruling planet is retrograde, not to mention doing the moonwalk through your domestic fourth house of home and soul foundation. Who are you, and what have you done with Virgo’s soul? I’m obviously kidding. However, you can’t always pull out the “Ms. Fix It” card, especially when your crazy relatives are in town. Granted, ’tis the season, blah blah blah, but I think this retro cycle will teach you a thing or two about setting boundaries. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Think before you speak, betch. The messenger planet is cruising through your gossip-loving third house of communication, and well, you may or may not come face-to-face with a few mishaps on the social media front, as well as in your inner circle. In other words, stop scrolling through your ex’s feed, because you’re bound to double tap something and hate yourself for it later. Besides, it’s like the saying goes, “what Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally.” Meaning, don’t go around sharing your two cents, especially if you’re not going to back it up later. Mercury retro enters Scorpio on December 1st, and sh*t will be lit.


Are you Christmas shopping, or are you just plain splurging? Mercury retrograde is shaking up your second house of shmoney, and it looks like you’re making one too many purchases, don’t you think? Take it easy on the Fashion Nova wishlist. You and I both know you’re not about to wear that on New Year’s Eve, anyway. P.S. The messenger planet slides back into your sign on December 1st, and well, if I were you, I would start channeling your RBF as of now. Not going to lie, there’s some obnoxious drama you might need to attend to. Remember who you are, betch.


You and your Mercury retro verbiage need to get it together, betch. WTF is all the fuss about? Seriously, stop airing out your dirty laundry, because it’s about to come back to you full force. The reality is, your messaging is literally over the top these days, so take a deep breath before you start sh*t. On another note, Mercury retro will slide back into Scorpio, and your hazy 12th house on December 1st, so you might want to stop getting wasted every night, so you can actually remember your dreams for once. P.S. Everyone at work knows about your celebratory flask.


Winter is coming. Whoever said Scorpio was the most vengeful betch clearly hasn’t met a Capricorn. Although, with Mercury doing the moonwalk through your shady 12th house of closure, you might want to consider forgiving your nemesis, for the love of god. In fact, don’t consider it. Just move the f*ck on already. What’s the point in holding onto a grudge that’s literally almost a decade old? You know what your problem is? You’re emotional AF these days, and honestly, that only means progress. My advice to you? Start channeling your inner Elsa ice queen, and let it go.


D-R-A-M-A. Mercury is moving backwards through your schmoozing 11th house of friends, groups, and tribe, and well, as much as you love starting sh*t, let alone pushing people’s buttons, something tells me you’re not feeling it this time around. Also, don’t forget to back up your freaky selfies and work files. This area of your chart rules technology, and Mercury retro is bound to f*ck things up. Btw, the messenger planet slides back into Scorpio and your 10th house of fame on December 1st, meaning you might get a random calendar invite from your supervisor. Stay focused, betch.


Stop flirting with the boss! Your promotion is on the way already, however, it’s up to you to go out there and fight for it. Mercury is hella retrograde in your 10th house of CEO dreams, and you and I both know, you’ve got a lot to say. Luckily for you, Mars is traveling through your sign until the end of the year, so at least you’ve got a little more oomph on your side. Long story short, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and go get the money. Mars isn’t going to put up with your self-sabotage this time, anyway. Vaya con dios, betch.

Images: Giphy (7)

Valerie Mesa
Valerie Mesa
Valerie is an astrologer, writer and third-generation witch. Her favorite things to write about are mysticism and sex; the Moon is her muse.