I’m just going to go ahead and assume you all watch Vanderpump Rules. If you don’t, fucking stop what you’re doing, go home and binge that shit because it’s television gold. But for those you who do, or at least read our recaps because they’re funny af, you know that Schwartz and Katie are married now and it’s a huge fucking mistake and it’s only a matter of time before their relationship goes up in flames. I know, I know. “But they got Maggiano’s and watched a movie that one time,” you say. “All couples have ups and downs,” you say. Well guess what,
Katie and Tom you hopeless romantics: you may live in Nicholas Sparks land where you eat cakes made out of sunshine and rainbows, but I live on fucking Earth where two people who despise each other most of the time shouldn’t even be fuck buddies, let alone husband and wife. So to entertain our dead realist souls we investigated how long they’re actually going to last using an extremely scientific method that combines the tried and true practices of stalking Instagram, watching Bravo all day, and wildly speculating.
To start, we’re going to give them a baseline of 10 years. You might think that’s not very long since your great-great grandparents were married for 82 years or something crazy, but remember these band of idiots are like, 30 already, and they live in L.A. where a decade-long marriage is like a fucking unicorn. So I feel like I’m being v generous here, tbh. Also, with each piece of evidence, please make the Law & Order “dun dun” noise for dramatic effect.
1. Their Instagrams are more about their friends and other random shit than each other: -1 year
Sure, Katie posted a cute pic of her and Schwartz at WWHL last night. Then proceeded to not say shit about him and thank her makeup artist instead. Classic. And that’s the first time she’s posted anything of him in weeks. I guess this isn’t a HUGE deal, but like the Gram is life, especially for D-list Bravolebrities.
2. They’ve been together for-fucking-ever: +1 year
This only gives them an extra year because they’re clearly comfortable where they are, even if where they are is in a depressed state of constant misery and turmoil. What a way to live.
3. Stassi went with them on their honeymoon: -2 years
And no, I’m not kidding. A couple that already has a lame af sex life doesn’t need a
third wheel buddy tagging along on their honeymoon in Bora Bora. They clearly didn’t fuck—or “bang,” as the VPR cast (and your 15-year-old brother) likes to call it—more than twice the whole trip so god knows it’s barely happened since they’ve been back because if you don’t have sex on your honeymoon, you don’t have sex at all.
4. They only have one group of friends so a breakup would be messy af: +1 year
This is by no means a reason to stay married to someone you should have never married in the first place, but for these fools, it’s as good a reason as any. We know Sandoval and Ariana would be #TeamSchwartz, and Stassi and Kristen #TeamKatie, but what about Jax and Brittany? How would they choose? Would they have to divide their time between Tom and Katie in a joint custody situation? Would Scheana be in the picture at all? Why do I care so much? K I need to stop.
5) Literally everything we’ve seen this season, including but not limited to: Schwartz cheating on Katie in Vegas and her not being over it, Katie telling Schwartz his dick doesn’t work, them hating each other, etc.: -5 years
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be over the cheating shit either. But I would have castrated him and then dumped his ass, not fucking married him. We can only imagine anytime Tequila Katie comes out and Tom tells her she’s “gone to the dark side,” Katie screams “at least I didn’t fuck someone in Vegas, Tom.” You can hear it, can’t you? Everything added up together results in a pretty hefty deduction. Sorry, TomKat.
So there you have it. Katie and Schwartz are going to make it four years, which is two whole years longer than Scheana and Mike Shay so I guess that’s something to celebrate. Mazel!