How Do I Pretend To Be Nice? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

I am the biggest betch when it comes to comforting my friends since I don't know how to handle people's emotions when they are sad or going through something tough. I'm scared I am going to say something wrong and just make matters worse. As bas as this sounds, whenever I know somebody is crying or is on the verge of crying, I flee to an area to escape the dreaded tears. So betches, please help me channel my inner Dr. Phil and become the therapist I've never wanted to be.


Unintentional Cold Hearted Bitch

Dear Betch,

Girl, congrats to you. You sent a letter in about a problem that doesn’t even exist and you are still getting a response. First things first, don’t think that you are fooling me; I know that you only wrote in with this fake problem because you will get your jollies by seeing your letter on the site. Regardless, I will address you because you bring up an interesting non-problem that many a betch faces on the daily.

Betches are mean; we are cold and just generally DGAF. However, sometimes we need to appear nice to our friends, our boyfriends, teachers we are sucking up to, etc. So here are some tips to help you put the Hannah Montana façade up.

1) Nice people say “hi.” I know, I know, my go-to when I see someone I know is the “you can’t sit with us” stare too, but if you are trying to warm a professor up to let you take that midterm after vacation you better start now.

2) If a friend starts crying over a boyfriend, fuck buddy or potential boyfriend/fuck buddy just keep saying “he’s not worth it” and pour her another glass of wine.

3) When your long-term BF wants to stay in and watch Netflix, just agree, throw on a sad face and use those puppy-dog-eyes to get him to agree to something much bigger for that weekend. I think swapping tequila Tuesday for a $600/ticket black tie gala is a fair trade. What like it’s hard?

Acting nice is skill all betches should have, we all need to be prepared to win in any situation and often that requires some kind of manipulation. But be careful; don’t let this soften you up for real because, as we all know, “Nice is just a place in France.”


The Betches

Got a fucked up question that only The Betches will understand? Email and you just might get a response.


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