How Do I Make The Guy I’m Hooking Up With Get An STD Test? Ask a Pro

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Dear Head Pro,

The background to my situation is all too familiar.  Boy meets girl drunk at frat party, they start hooking up when drunk every so often, etc.  Flash forward to a year and a half later and boy has graduated, I’m still in college but we occasionally see each other and hook up.  Other than a few random hints that there COULD be something more (and I’m not delusional, I know there probably isn’t) it’s pretty much clear to me that he is just keeping me around for the sex.

Basically I know this can’t go on forever.  I really fucking like this guy and I know sitting around on my ass won’t do any good either way. So I’ve decided I have to “have the talk”/issue an ultimatum/whatever you want to call it. Either he has real feelings toward me and we go on from there, or not and I will walk out the door.  I know it’ll suck if that’s the outcome but it’s best for me in the long run.

Tons of girls write you asking “does he like me?? Does this mean anything more?”, but I know the only real way to know this is to ask him.

I am asking you what the best way to go about doing this is.  I pretty much know what I need to say, just not how and when to do it.  Do I do it after sex? Do I ask him to meet me in a public location? If he totally rejects me do I fuck him one last time?  Any help would be much appreciated!


Wtf do I do and how the fuck do I do it??

Dear WTF,

Well, thank you for at least having the wherewithal to know that I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t consider this a traditional DTR situation, because you’re not two people who clearly like each other but who lack consensus. Instead, you’re one person with clear feelings involved with someone else whose feelings are unknown (though suspected). The regular “so, where is this going..?” won’t work, especially if in his mind everything was above board in terms of the nature of the relationship. What I’m saying is, you don’t initiate the DTR talk. You make him do it instead.

In order to do that, you have to break his pattern. Next time he booty calls, decline the invite – say something to the effect of “Eh, you’re a lot of fun but I don’t see this going anywhere, and I don’t want to be someone fuck buddy forever.” That ought to, at the very least, prompt him to explain himself. At best, he’ll want to talk more and try to explain that life’s so crazy after graduation, bla bla bla. At worst he’ll be like “fair enough,” and that will be that. I appreciate you wanting to be proactive, but doing so would presume that you’re trying to define a relationship that may not exist.

Definitive Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Alright so my ex-boyfriend and I broke up like 4 years ago, due to distance. And now we live somewhat closer to each other and chat all the time even hang out from time to time. I’m not looking to get back together and I don’t think he is either but naturally the first time we hung out we had sex. Which hey I’m not one to say no to a good time, but every time we hangout now I can’t tell if we’re just friends or if we are going rip each others clothes off. Both of us are way too stubborn to make the first move, or at least I am lets be real I have no idea what he is thinking. I’m fine with us just being friends but I’m also fine with us being friends with benefits.

TBH I just wanna know which one we are doing, so I don’t pull a whole Cher looking to get some only to be shut down by my cake boy (p.s. he’s not gay that was a joke). So my question is can i just flat out ask him “Hey do we want to be friends, or do we want to have a bunch of sex while being friends” is that too forward? I feel like being cryptic about it is a waste of time and the sooner we can get on the same page the better no?


Friendly Banger

Dear That Was a Clever Joke You Made There,

This is kind of a fucked up situation, because the “only” reason you broke up was due to distance. Sure, it’s been four years and things change, but I have to think there are still a lot of exposed nerve endings between you two. This just isn’t a “let’s be friends situation.” Not because I think you’re secretly pining to be back with him, but because if you can’t be in the same room with each other without wanting to rip each others’ clothes off, you ain’t friends.

The fact that he doesn’t make any moves anymore tells me that at the very least, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s gotten himself into either. He may be afraid that hopping in bed will give you the wrong impression, or maybe your openness to sex is giving him the wrong impression. You need to get this under control, so yes, go ahead and flat-out ask him. Since you were exclusive, presumably you know each other well enough for that to not be awkward.

I don’t know what kind of friendship you’ll get out of it though, sexual or otherwise. You can’t make sexual tension go away via one conversation, and sex with your unrequited ex is about as far as a standard FWB situation as you can get. I think it would be better to ask the more general question of “wtf is going on with us,” which will allow both of you to talk more freely about it.

Friendly Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Recently had first one night stand that turned into a two night stand then three night stand (sex is pretty good). I am looking for a person to regularly have sex with, and he while being older fits the bill (aside from living in the city beside mine), but how do I ask him to have sex more often? Also, he seemed okay when I asked about STD testing until I said I was getting one too, then he made it sound like if mine is negative then he shouldn’t need to get one either, which means he knows nothing about incubation periods. Why is he so sketchy about getting one?


Just trying to have regular sex without STDs

Dear STDs,

Eh, a lot of guys are sketchy about STD testing. It’s terrible, and I assume it gets better all the time, but it’s still a thing. Sexual health is one of the few areas in life where women get more attention than we do. You all go to a doctor for your ladyparts at least once a year; we don’t do anything like that. We’re also taught that generally, STD symptoms manifest themselves more obviously in men than in women, so a lot of guys probably assume that if it doesn’t tickle when they tinkle, all is well.

It’s also, to put it bluntly, an issue of fear. Again, we don’t go to a sex doctor regularly, so making an appointment is a special event. A lot of the male identity is tied to a set of functioning genitals, and plenty of men are afraid of what an STD screen might reveal. Remember that shitty Mighty Mighty Bosstones song, “The Impression That I Get?” Believe it or not, the lyrics (they’re talking about HIV testing, specifically) pretty well articulate the discomfort associated with it.

The truth is, a lot of guys probably go through life using their partners’ STD tests as a measure of their own sexual health, which, as you’ve noted, is a bad thing. Do not have sex with these men. It’s pretty fucking ridiculous that in 2015, with everything we know, guys are still afraid of an STD test, esp considering many of them are curable. But, it is what it is. I would explain to this guy why it’s important for BOTH of you to get one, and then refuse to have unprotected sex until he does.

Clean Kisses,

Head Pro

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