How Do I Make My Boyfriend Better In Bed? Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Warning this may be a little PG 13..

So I have been dating my boyfriend for about nine months now, and simply every time we have sex I have to be on top to you know…

I thought it may be just me and that maybe I was doing something wrong but after talking to my friends (other betches duh) it’s clear that he is not performing. My friends explainsthat while having sex he should be touching me as well or doing something other than just basically pounding me. Sex just basically sucks without me on top.

I can be pretty awkward at times and shy, and especially during sex, which makes it difficult to move his hand ya know.. or tell him to do something besides just stick it in repetitively. When he does touch there it’s for like three seconds and just sucks. The worst part is he like basically begs for head, by like putting it near my face. So he gets all the pleasure and I don’t get anything? Is it weird to ask to try something different, like making him like touch me you know down there while fucking? Or am I just forever gonna only get the big O when I’m on top?


Horny As FUCK

Dear Horny as FUCK (I like how you’ll type that but dance around the word “orgasm”),

Great, looks like I’m giving sex advice to teenagers this week. Orgasms are like when your butthole itches: It feels really great to indulge it, but no one wants to talk about it. What you’re describing is a pretty well-known problem, the whole “I can only orgasm on top” thing. At least you’ve found a way to orgasm at all during intercourse, which is good. But, yeah: Since you were apparently not blessed with the capacity to have “internal” orgasms (or your boyfriend’s penis is the size of my little finger; which remains unclear), you’re gonna have to find a workaround.

I don’t know why this isn’t self-evident, but it is, in fact, common for people in healthy relationships to express their sexual preferences. This doesn’t have to be a solemn, sit-down conversation, nor are you limited to screaming “OMG YOU ARE BAD AT THIS PLEASE TOUCH MY CLITORIS” during sex. You could try saying “it feels really good when you touch me here…” during sex. You could also have a 3rd-base only sesh where you do everything but intercourse and educate him that way. If you’re up for it, you could try a little mutual masturbation action, where you touch yourself while he watches (and also touches himself). Introducing a vibrator of some kind would make things a little more fool-proof for him, and if push comes to shove you could just go ahead and diddle yourself during sex to see if he gets the memo.

If you are literally too timid and shy to try/say ANY of the above things, then you probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex in the first place.

Clumsy Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear HP,

I have a crush on a guy that I’ve worked with for several months. With college out for the summer, we only very recently started becoming closer (I only recently started finding him interesting) and talking (outrageously flirting) regularly. I’d been getting really mixed signals from him—he’d stay long past his clock-out time to help me close up the office, but wouldn’t come for a beer with me; he’d open up and talk to me for hours, but declines my invite to the beach. He calls me “babe”, even in front of our boss (which is not something he does with anyone else in the office), but if I see him out downtown in the evenings, it’s only for 5 minutes.

I’d attributed these inconsistencies to me reading too far into it—I know for sure he’s single (and not gay), but he’s a really nice guy, and really hot—any girl under 50 visiting our office drools, and tries to take him home—so it made sense to me that he probably had a stacked roster of hot biddies and just wasn’t interested. Last week, however, one of the office bros made a comment about how he used to be 275 pounds—and I quickly checked to see if there were 60 lbs that I’d missed, but I hadn’t. Later that day, two visiting, perfect 10 betches from a pharmaceutical company asked me about getting his number, and when I relayed the message to him, he panicked and hurried his formerly-fat ass off somewhere to hide. And then went on and on later about how hot they were with the other office bros.

I recognize that FFBs have self-esteem issues and that inviting him to places with my friends, or even just me, might scare him a little—or perhaps even the prospect of having to booze and eat. I also recognize that he might not be used to his own success (as I’ve started to permit his advances) as this is a change that’s pretty recent for him. But, while inexperienced in this particular kind of situation, I am also not naive enough to think that I’m for-sure-right that he’s into me. So my question, HP, may be twofold—is he into it, or is he just perfecting the way he trolls for fish? And if the former, how do I snag the kid without terrifying him?


Biggie, Why You Sketchin

Dear Chubby Chaser,

Ok, like, why are you so obsessed with this guy? I think it’s pretty obvious he’s not that into you, or at least if he is he has some very weird issues that would probably make him less fun to date than you think. Sure, let’s entertain the idea that he’s a FFB and is mortified by the idea of drinking something with calories or taking his shirt off at the beach – is that something you’d want to deal with, even for a little while? Trust me, dating someone with body image issues so severe they limit their daily lives is no picnic (mostly because picnics involve food, which they avoid). It’s also not really your place to fix this guy or turn him into some kind of project.

I don’t get the impression that he’s somehow “practicing” on you, especially if he’s going to run and hide when hot babes come into the office. While I agree that calling you “babe” (in front of coworkers? Really?) and staying late are encouraging signs, you’ve made it about as clear as humanly possible that you’re selling if he’s buying. At this point, there really isn’t much more you can do – I guess maybe invite him to things that don’t involve food or shirtlessness, but that’s kind of it. Keep in mind, too, that he might not be an idiot and intentionally stays away from dating coworkers.

Honestly, I can’t tell you what this guy’s deal is. They say with women you have hot, sane, and single: Pick two. I guess the same is true for dudes, too.

Chubby Kisses,

Head Pro

Need more douchey advice? Email with your idiotic problems. Oh, and follow him on Twitter.


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