How Do I Handle A Guy Who Whose Hookup Style Is Too Aggressive? Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro,

For the past few months, this bro and I have been “talking”. He's funny, outgoing, and fun to be around, and he seems to be really into me. He's been away at school, but we text constantly and have hung out a few times. I'm happy when we're together and he treats me with respect and is even affectionate with me in front of his friends. The only issue is that, after holding off for awhile, we finally slept together and the way he hooked up made me really uncomfortable. It was consensual, but he was very forceful and aggressive in a way that I didn't like at all and I found myself wishing it would just be over already because I was in pain, and he seemed to have little regard for it. I really like this guy as a person and I don't want to be a bitch by telling him I hate the way he hooks up, but I can't do that again. Is this something I can talk to him about, or is this a deal breaker?


Something clever

Dear Not so Clever,

Well, this is new territory: The uncharted waters of the-sex-was-consensual-but-wouldn’t-have-been-if-I-knew-it-would-be-like-that. I think what you have to do, in order to determine whether or not he’s worth fucking again, is to first determine whether or not he’s an asshole who hates women, or just really clueless in bed. Next time he appears to be initiating a hookup, just say “nuh-uh, you were really rough last time. I like you, but I’m not doing that again.” Hopefully, he’ll respond with extreme embarrassment. That’s what you want. It means he has no idea what he’s doing, and probably got all of his sexual education from watching porn or something. Then, you can proceed to re-educate him.

If he responds any other way (dismissal, defense, argument), he’s at best a narcissist and at worst a psycho. It’s not always easy to hear, but a decent guy is happy for any practical advice on how to not be terrible in bed. If he isn’t having it (or worse, somehow makes it look like you’re the one with the problem), get rid of him.

Gentle Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy in class during our last semester of uni. I was aware that he had to move back to where he was from (about 45 minutes away from where I live) in a few short weeks so right off the bat I wanted a purely physical relationship since he was incredibly hot and I was attracted to him. We flirted quite a bit in class and before I could initiate anything, he gets my number, starts talking to me daily, and asks me out. After seeing a bit of one another he asks to watch a movie at his place so immediately I think he'll make a move there and we'll have our physical fling underway. However, once I hang out with him, he makes absolutely no moves on me. We spend the evening holding hands and then kisses me goodbye.

As I start seeing more of this guy I actually realize I really like him and we have a lot in common, he's funny, really smart, and just a genuinely nice guy. He would always be super excited to see me and would text me each time we hung out to tell me what a great time he had etc. We hooked up once after going to the club, but kept seeing each other after that and nothing about our dynamic had changed. So last week I ask if he wants to hangout because I finally wanted to talk to him about parting since he was supposed to leave Friday, and he informs me he can't hang out because he's going home earlier than expected. This is where I get a little upset, and slightly overreact but basically tell him that it's not cool to lead someone on and then just disappear. To this he responds that he never meant to do that, and he always enjoys meeting new people and hanging out, and that he never said he didn't want to hangout again.

Since then we haven't talked at all and he hasn't tried messaging me. At first I wrote him off as a dick who never planned on leaving without as much as a word. But I realize I kind of overreacted with assuming so. My question is, did I fuck this up? Should I try messaging him or is there no point, and, what is this guy's deal?

I fucked up

Dear Fucked Up,

Oh Lord this is crazy. What is there to even get mad about? He pretty clearly didn’t want to get too involved in anything because he was leaving soon, and I guess to him that meant getting physical. I don’t suppose there was any way he knew that you had the exact opposite intentions, was there? He figures you’re cool (he was wrong!) and likes hanging out, but didn’t want to take things too far. In his mind, he was doing the right thing.

He doesn’t have a “deal.” You both knew he was leaving, and he had no way of knowing that you would have actually become less invested in a physical relationship. Given that, your messages saying that you were shocked, SHOCKED that he would dare alter his travel plans without your approval were probably not well received. Still, you didn’t “fuck” anything “up.” It’s the end of the semester, not the End of Days. I assume you’ll see him again, eventually.


Head Pro

Hey Head Pro,

I am a college student and I have a question regarding a boy on my co-ed soccer team. As I have gotten to know him this past semester, I have realized that I really like him both as a person and in terms of physical attraction. However, although I would consider myself to be relatively extroverted in general, I am quite shy at first when I meet new people, especially romantically. I am not terribly experienced and each of the past relationships that I have had resulted from the guy being very straightforward with me. That being said, I would really like to let this guy know that I am interested. He is a pretty reserved person from what I have observed, even with his close friends. I don't think he has really thought of me romantically before, as we have always interacted in the very close-knit but platonic and athletics-oriented environment of our team.

Since it is the end of the semester, I am not sure if I should just let things lie until next year or do something (this appeals to me in that if it were not to work out, the summer may eliminate some of awkwardness before we return next year). One of my friends suggested that I just ask him out, while another thought I should just concentrate on building a friendship. I am leaning towards this option, especially since I think it would seem really abrupt for me to just ask him out. I'd really like to know what you think and  see if you have advice for either option!

Thanks a bunch!

Should I Play Forward?

Dear Play Forward,

No, trying to turn friends into boyfriends is dumb; your friend is dumb. If you don't want to outright “ask him out,” then just open the door for him, so to speak. Ask him what he's doing [tonight, this weekend, with his life, with his penis in the next few hours, etc]. If he responds with something cool, indicate your interest:

YOU: Hayyyyy sex machine, what're you getting into tonight?
HIM: Oh whadup girl, I'm going to Lambo's ham-themed party. I'm going dressed as a Virginia-style country ham. You?
YOU: ZOMG that sounds amazing. If you're looking for a bone-in spiral-sliced ham to accompany you, I'd be down for that.

Then he'll start thinking “huh, is she into me? Is this a date? I'd better ask my bros.” That's how you plant the seed of romanticism in his head. Other things to do: Congratulate him on individual efforts in soccer games, and touch him when you do. The whole point of coed sports for guys is to show off in front of girls. Letting him know you were impressed will tap into his more primal sensibilities, and a touch on the arm is a universal gesture of interest.

Most guys are game to start the pursuit, you just have to let them know their odds of success are better than zero.

Hammy Kisses,

Head Pro


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