Dear Head Pro,
There is a girl that just won't back off of my boyfriend. When we're out, she tries to be all over him. She texts him out of the blue, pretends to be bff with me and is all around like a fruit fly, constantly buzzing around in our business. How do I get her to back the fuck off and find someone else to annoy?
This is probably a more appropriate question for the Head Betches, since they know way more about fruit flies than I do. But, since you’re going to have to get your boyfriend involved, I’ll take a crack at it. For one thing, do you have any guess as to this girl’s motivation? Do you believe she’s really just trying to fuck your boyfriend? I guess that exists, but it’s rare to find a girl so brazen/desperate/delusional that she’ll blatantly go about trying to subvert you out in the open like that. Regardless, it sounds like she definitely wants SOMETHING from the two of you. Maybe a job opportunity or friendship? Is she a loser with no friends, and he’s the only one who responds to her so she gets super clingy? I’m not saying she’s good at it, or going about getting whatever she wants in the right way. This may come as a surprise to you, but people can be fucking stupid.
Getting rid of an unwanted annoyance like her is an art form with which a lot of guys and girls are familiar. The key player here is the boyfriend. If he keeps responding to her texts and letting her know where you’ll be, obviously he’s practically just as guilty. The first step is to speak with him, calmly and rationally, about why this bitch needs to go. Tell him that it’s disrespectful to you. Tell him how it’s really pathetic and it’s embarrassing to watch. If he’s like “aww come on, it’s not that bad,” or “what’s the big deal, she just wants to be friends,” dump him immediately. He’s a glory boy who lives for the attention he’s getting and the ensuing tension it creates.
Assuming he’s on board, next you have to phase her out. The trick is to avoid coming off as bitchy or defensive, because that will only make her try harder. Same goes for having him tell her off to her face. That opens the door for her to be all “Wow, what is wrong with you guys? I’m just trying to be friends.” Don’t let this crazy bitch gasslight you. Instead, get sneaky. First, have him respond to her texts with blatant lies about your plans. You don’t want to ignore her completely at first, because she’ll just go looking for you. Instead, tell her you’re going to one place and then go to another. When she texts asking why you aren’t there, he just needs to say “sorry. Change of plans.” and ignore her for the rest of the night. Do this for a while, and he can safely ignore her altogether.
Inevitably, you’ll end up at the same place together. The move here is for you to be super cordial, like you’re running into an old sorority sister you never really liked that much. For him, he needs to barely acknowledge her, like maybe say “hey, what’s up” and then go back to watching football. You don’t want to make it obvious that you’ve intentionally forgotten her. You want her to know that neither of you ever gave a shit about her in the first place.
And that, friends, is how you psychologically damage another human being. You’re welcome.
Dear Head Pro,
My boyfriend of 6 months and I broke up in early August. He's 26 and lives with a roommate, and I'm a 22 year old student living at home. He called me up on a Thursday when he was coming home from work and basically told me we were in two very different places our lives. He had ended things with my very early on in our relationship because of my living situation, but regretted it soberly a few hours later.
Two weeks after this sudden and shitty (over the phone…really?) breakup, he calls me and tells me he misses me and wants to meet for dinner to talk. Just as I was starting to move on, he pulls me back in. We meet for dinner and he says everything I wanted to hear: how awesome I'm doing in school and working part-time and school isn't a valid reason to break up with someone and how much he misses me. So, I buy it. Two weeks later we have an awkward dinner (doesn't that just happen sometimes?) and he brings up the living situation AGAIN. I was pissed! We talked about it as I'm crying because I really can't believe this is still the issue… And the next night he breaks up with me over the phone (which was by the way 2 days before my birthday). Haven't heard from him since. What the hell happened?
For the last month I've been going over this in my head. He's 26 and hasn't really had a long term relationship since he was 20. Everyone thinks he's crazy to break up with me over being in school and living at home. Would like a guy's perspective on the issue…
Uh, what the hell?
Dear What the Hell,
It’s worth mentioning that the subject line of this email was “What the hell is wrong with this guy?” Nothing. Nothing is wrong with this guy. If you go around thinking that everyone who decides they don’t want to date you has something “wrong” with them, you’ll die alone. This may come as a shock, but no single person, not me, you or anyone else, serves as humanity’s baseline for accepted behavior and morality. He gave you a reason for why he was breaking up with you, a reason that obviously doesn’t sound good to you or your friends but sounds good to him. That means it’s a valid reason. Of course you can disagree, and some people, maybe even a lot of people, might agree that his reasons were shallow, but that doesn’t make them “wrong.”
No relationship hits a point where everything falls into place and you’re on autopilot for the rest of your lives. That’s why we have dating as institution, and why boyfriends don’t matter much. Sure, without boyfriends you wouldn’t have fiancees, husbands, fathers, and whatever else you look forward to in life, but there’s a reason we have a no-fault system at the beginning with ample exit opportunities. People are growing and changing constantly, so we’re better off with the opportunity to assess that growth before we commit to anything more permanent. You dated for six months. That’s long enough for the butterflies to wear off and the reality of the situation to set in. Hell, he even had second thoughts right at the beginning. Should he have ended things then? Probably, but what’s done is done.
He broke it off and then got reeled back in because, in all likelihood, you made him feel bad about his choices and his reasoning. Guys are suckers like that. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make the horse have sex with that water. The way things were going did not synch up with what he had in mind, and I can’t really blame him. He’s entering his late 20’s, where things start to get a little more real. Hanging out at a girlfriend’s mom’s house doesn’t isn’t going to make him feel like the adult he imagines himself to be. Even if I didn’t agree, it’s his right. It’s also worth mentioning that it’s very possible for his appreciation of your situation (doing well at school, holding down a job) to be mutually exclusive from his desire to date you. I mean, I appreciate all of Candice Swanepoel’s success, but I’m not gonna put a ring on it, no matter how much she begs (the weekend we spent in Ibiza was enough).
If you want to take issue with anything, hate on the way he chose to break things off. Six months ought to warrant an in-person breakup, so the phone thing was kind of bullshit. But otherwise? It’s over, because he wasn’t comfortable being in different places in your lives. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Yes, sometimes awkward dinners do just happen,