How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Buy Me The Gift I Want For Christmas? Ask A Pro

Dear Head Pro,

First of all, thank you so much for just existing and creating the most down to earth, honest and witty book ever. So brutally honest- I love it.

I am British and am currently in my first year of university at the University of Monaco. I thought it would be full of fellow betches and super hot guys to date- not the case. Everyone is either a local French weirdo or a Russian assassin who doesn’t speak any English so basically I am hating life so am now exploring my other options. I have booked in to sit ACTS and SATs to give me more options as I’m torn between moving to London or trying out the US- but I need an expert betch’s opinion. Do US betches/sororities like us Brits or will I be viewed as a weirdo foreigner? Also, which colleges do you recommend to find a boyfriend, preferably East coast, not high entrance grades and full of PLUs (people like us)?

Thank you so much for all of your help and I’m sorry to bother you!

I would really appreciate your insight!

Best regards,

Dear it’s ok this is my job and also I didn’t write Nice is Just a Place in France,

Why you thought a school called the “International University of Monaco” would be populated with anything else notwithstanding, I think you’d be fine at a U.S. school, with the obvious caveat that that’s a very broad generalization. MIT and Auburn may as well be on different planets.

The good news about sororities here in the States is that they hate everyone equally, up to and including their own sisters! I mean obviously there will be countless instagram posts captioned “#KKG #BlueAndBlue #LoveMySisters,” but there isn’t a single girl in a sorority who’s universally revered by her sisters. Basically, the only way you’ll be viewed as a weirdo foreigner is if you act like one, insisting upon calling cigarettes “fags” and whatnot (this will go over just fine in much of the south, but not for the reasons you think). As a bonus (if you want to call it that), all of the guys will view you as a cute novelty and will want to fuck you, which will make your sorority sisters super jealous and ensure that you have a 100% authentic American college experience.

As far as east coast schools that are easy to get into and full of “people like us” (that is, wealthy people who refer to their own kind as “people like us”), you’ve pretty much described George Washington University to a T. Have fun moving to D.C. from Monaco. It’s like 34 degrees (Fahrenheit) here right now.

Cross-pond kisses,

Head Pro

Hi Head Pro,

My boyfriend told me what he’s planning to get me for Christmas. It’s like a really nice idea, a throwback to when we first started dating and really thoughtful and stuff. Buuuutttt like honestly I really kinda want like jewelry or like nice pajamas (weird?) or something. It’s obviously not the end of the world if I get a thoughtful present from him that wasn’t at the top of my list, but is there any way to tell him that I want something different?


-Sucky at Sign-off Names

Dear too lazy to deserve nice things,

Well, wait – how do you know your boyfriend only plans to get you that one hokey thing for Christmas? Maybe he told you about that because he was afraid it wouldn’t have much in the way of “wow factor,” so he’s hedging his bets with other, secret gifts? If you suspect that’s not the case, I don’t think there’s any point in trying to be especially coy about dropping hints. Guys tend to hate that shit, because all we want to do is make you happy and the subtleties of hint-dropping can stress us out.

Besides, do you really want your boyfriend pulling the trigger on a gift like jewelry, unless it’s an engagement ring? Though his age is obviously an assumption on my part, guys in their early-mid 20s could not have less of a clue when it comes to stuff like that. If you trust him to pick out jewelry for you, there’s a 99% chance it will have to do with hearts. If I know one thing, it’s that girls HATE heart jewelry.

Just email/chat him links to things you want, and be like “omg I love this but it’s like $200!” He ought to get the point. Don’t feel bad about liking pajamas. I fucking love pajamas. Now that winter’s tightening its icy grip around our collective throats, I more or less live in pajamas.

Flannel-swaddled kisses,

Head Pro


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