The Guy I’m Hooking Up With Won’t Have Sex With Me: Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

Leave it to me to get wifed up my freshman year of college. Well, now that relationship is said and done after a year and a half (quite the messy breakup might I add) I'm finally on my way to moving on and seeing other guys. The problem is, college is like one big cesspool where everyone has fucked everyone one drunk night or another. There's no good guys who haven't already had sex with at least one person I know and all the hot GDI's are no where to be found.

So, with all of that said, I finally have been talking and brewing up a thing with this cutie for the past couple of weeks now and my friends are hailing me as the “chosen one” because he has always been the guy that every girl drooled over, but was always untouchable. I finally stumbled upon this guy who is not only hot, but seriously the whole package, what could be better?

I've never been so infatuated by someone, hes perfect, but here's the zinger… He's celibate. No, not actually, but he doesn't want to hook up with anyone he isn't dating, which is good right? Here I am trying to get over a long-term relationship and finally found someone who isn't a bro, but the total package and we're still making out like we're in the 7th grade.

Our feelings for each other are mutual and this could be someone I could see myself actually getting into a relationship with, (when I decide I want one again) but he keeps giving me mixed emotions every week. One week he wants a serious relationship, next he wants to just be friends, the week after he's not sure if we're going anywhere, but he “still really likes me and wants to snuggle”… da fuck?

All my friends are telling me that I should give him the boot now, but is it so bad that I want to wait it out so I can go to his house dance? Do I really want to date this guy or is my lack of a sex life getting to my head? Help a girl out!


Confused and Lonely Betch

Dear Confused and Lonely Betch,

It's so refreshing to get a letter from a girl who is so obviously a beard to a closeted gay man that even Katie Holmes would shake her head and laugh. Now I don't know this guy personally but all signs point  to a disco dancing Oscar Wilde loving friend of Dorothy and your friends either don't want to be the one to break it to you or are all dumb as fuck.

I'm actually worried about your inability to see what's staring at you right in the face. This guy is 'the chosen one' that all girls want to hook up with but can't because he's not interested in hooking up with girls. Men are sexual beings and unless this guy is super religious (which doesn't sound like the case), he'll want to have sex with a girl that he likes who is willing and able. It sounds like this guy is grossed out by the female form and is trying to hide his gayness by being wishy washy about his feelings for you and claiming he'd only have sex with you if you were fully 'dating' which he has no intention of doing.

Look on the bright side betch, in six months to twenty years when this guy finally comes out you will have yourself the ultimate gay bff/snuggle partner.

You're Grace from Will & Grace,

The Betches


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