Homemade Thai Curry Because Seriously, Fuck That Takeout Place

Sometimes after eating nothing but salad and drinking nothing but water for 2 or 3 weeks, your body starts to crave salt, carbs, and dairy – mostly because your body is stupid. During these weak moments of crisis you call up your fav Chinese/Thai/Indian place to get a huge (and later regrettable) meal laced with probs deadly amounts of sodium and made with questionable meat.

But the dream is not to be realized. After several minutes of trying to understand the man on the phone and being told that the dish you so love “aren’t served” and also that you live too far from the delivery zone (and fuck putting on pants right now), you need to be resourceful. It’s true we hate doing anything, but this recipe doesn’t require much effort – thank god.


  • 1 tbsp coconut oil (if you’re poor use vegetable oil but don’t fucking tell anyone)
  • 2 tbsps red curry paste (you can make your own LOL but who the fuck has time for that)
  • 1 can (14 oz) coconut milk (you can use light or full fat, fatty)
  • ½ cup chicken stock/broth
  • 1 tbsp brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp fish sauce (if you can’t find this or don’t have it, use soy sauce which I know you fucking have in packet form hidden in the back of a drawer somewhere)
  • 1 tbsp lime juice
  • 1 lb boneless chicken, beef, pork, duck, or tofu, cut into bite-size pieces (honestly whatever you have)
  • 1 cup red and green bell peppers, diced (or one or the other idfk)
  • 1 cup onions, diced
  • ½ cup matchstick carrots
  • ½ cup snap peas or other vegetable you fucking love
  • ¼ cup fresh cilantro, chopped
  • Cooked Jasmine or white rice

In a large (like really fucking big – read all those ingredients), skillet over medium heat, heat the coconut oil until no longer solid. Add the curry paste and stir fry until you can smell it. Add the coconut milk and chicken broth and bring the whole thing to a simmer over medium-high heat. Stir in the brown sugar, fish sauce (or soy sauce), and lime juice.

Add in the meat (or tofu, god) and vegetables and simmer the whole thing 5-7 minutes or until the meat is cooked through and the vegetables are tender but still crisp. Remove from the heat and stir in the cilantro.

Serve this shit over the Jasmine rice and top with Sriracha or chili-garlic paste (I know the culinary-conscious of us have this shit). Eat, then feel deep, deep shame upon yourself and go to the gym.


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