Home Forever: Weekend Horoscopes March 20-22

Our first week of serious social distancing is coming to a close, and I assume most of you have already eaten all of your pantry supplies and have moved on to rationing toilet paper in your homes. You’ll be okay, just don’t post anything problematic on social media. These are the times we live in, and with the Boomer Remover flu in full swing, it’s a great time to look to the stars and planets for wtf is going on.


You’re obviously sleeping later these days because working from home is a big vibe rn, Pisces. The good news is that your dreams are a great insight into, like, life, so try and pay attention to them. The moon and Neptune are going to push your creativity and emotions to the surface on Saturday, so prepare to cry while watching Bob Ross paint happy little clouds. Sunday is all about relaxing, so be sure to practice some social isolation and sleep all day.


It’s all about friendship this weekend, Aries, which is kind of sad considering none of us are allowed to leave the house. Look at it as an opportunity to do a group FaceTime with your besties and all watch Love Is Blind: The Reunion together. I’m sure it’s a trainwreck. Saturday and Sunday are best for quiet nature time, which, last I checked, is still cool during the quarantine times.


The moon wants you to take a pulse on your job and coworkers this weekend, Taurus, which is hilarious considering you’re all on day five of sweatpants and pretending to do that project your boss wanted last week. You’re going to want to see your friends on Saturday and Sunday, so maybe draw a picture of your besties with some glitter and macaroni to keep yourself company.


It’s a great weekend to write something, pick up your guitar that you forgot how to play, or carve a sculpture out of empty toilet paper rolls, Gemini. After signing off of your last video conference on Friday, indulge in your creative side and pick up something artistic. It’ll serve as a great distraction while the president gives another update on the apocalypse.


It’s all about intimacy and romance this weekend, Cancer, which works out, since you’re stuck inside with your SO. Sure, you may be getting sick of seeing each other in bathrobes and loungewear, so treat Friday as an opportunity to order take out, wear your nice lounge pants, and get weird after hours. On Saturday, take a walk together while staying away from other human beings.


Time to have some real talk, Leo. Since you’re trapped inside, it’s a great chance to sit your SO down and talk about all the things you normally try to ignore. The moon in Pisces is making your whole mindset focus on connection, so this isn’t just going to be a “discussion” about leaving dirty dishes in the sink. If you’re single, send some thought-out and thoughtful messages on your dating app of choice. Maybe you can connect with someone over your mutual love of COVID-19 memes.


Check in on yourself, Virgo. This whole global pandemic thing has hit you hard, and it’s important to practice some self-care even if you have been taking it easy the last four days. Order some takeout to support a local business, draw a hot bath, and pour yourself a nice glass of wine. Heck, break out that clay face mask you’ve been too afraid to try. Sunday is for mental self-care, so call your mom and tell her to remind you how amazing you are.


Apparently, the planets want you to have fun this weekend, Libra. That seems ironically cruel, but we’ll go with it. Maybe fun for you this weekend looks like a Schitt’s Creek-athon with one to two other friends (no groups larger than nine, fam) or a romp in the bedroom solo using that weird vibrator you’ve been too nervous to try. Whatever you do, lean in to the fun aspect to try and forget the craziness going on around you. Kisses.


Spend a night in with your immediate family, if it’s possible (see: allowed). Getting some face time with your parents, siblings, and SO will boost your spirits – something we can all use after this f*cking insane week. Consider a mini dinner party with takeout or an easy meal for a few people. Saturday is for cleaning up and tidying your apartment, which you’ve conveniently put off even while being home all week.


You’re wanting that deeeeep connection, Sagittarius, and what better weekend to seek it out than one in which you’re trapped inside? The stars and planets are pushing for a romantic getaway, but we’d suggest snuggling up with bae and watching reruns of Parts Unknown. It’s like you’re there, guys!


It’s a good weekend to examine your finances, Capricorn, which feels like a trap considering that I don’t even know what a 401k is, but I know I lost about half of it within the last two weeks. Anyway, since you’re sequestered in your apartment, why not get your tax sh*t together and do that? Being an adult sucks. After you spend a day crying over numbers, relax and watch someone mindless as a reward. We recommend reruns of Spongebob.


It’s okay to be anxious and need some time alone, Aquarius. In these scary times, make sure you’re taking time for yourself a la powering off your phone, not watching the news, and just spending quiet moments with someone that doesn’t totally piss you off. Baths with fragrances are fine, baths wine and a sleeve of Oreos are better.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson